Fraggle Rock holds special memories from my youth, and so several weeks ago I started through the entire series on DVD; tonight I watched, and re-watched, an episode called "Mokey and the Minstrels".
Cantus: Being a minstrel is enough hard work for your whole life.
Mokey: My whole life? Oh, well I didn’t know about that part.
C: You didn’t need to know until now. Why Mokey Fraggle, you could be a minstrel, if–
M: If. If I left home. And Fraggle Rock, and all my friends, and everything I love. No. I can’t do it.
C: Oh but you can. And maybe someday you will.
M: Someday? How?
C: Good question. Answer it.
M: No. I already have answered it. I’m going home. Back to my friends.
C: Yes yes, but what will you do there? What must you always do?
M: Uh… Listen?
C: I said you weren’t a failure!
At first I was attracted to Cantus's line, "Good question. Answer it.", because I long to use it as an answer to any number of daily tech questions at work; immediately, though, I knew there was something deeper here, and I'm still sorting through it - let's "unpack" this together (hey, if I ever do get ordained, I gotta learn how to "unpack" things - gah, I hate that word).
Last week I had a minor/major meltdown: what am I doing with my life? Moving to LA? No way! I won't succeed, financially stupid idea. Maybe I'm supposed to apply/enroll in seminary this year instead? God, please. Help.
Questions faded to white noise, ever-present, but irrelevant; in their place, peace, comfort with the uncertainty, dare I say even an embrace of the unknown, because I Trust Him. And because, like I've told to so many other people, I'm the only one who expects me to have it all figured out, and not knowing the future does not equate to failure.
Here's where I'm at: I know I'm Called to ministry. Period. I don't know if that means "officially" (as in, MDiv), or a lay-person within a church setting, or simply as a friend - and I'm okay with that. Because I have faith. And I have trust. Some days more than others :)
Cantus Fraggle spoke to me tonight: no matter where I go, what will I do there? What must I always do? Maybe some day I will go to seminary. Maybe some day I won't. My Call remains: Listen. To God, to friends, to all. Ministry, in whatever form, will follow.