Only the Beginning of the Adventure

Blast from the past: this post should have been written and published in May 2012

"Welcome to the Adventure" is just something I have to say anytime I talk about AWAKEN. Also, listening to the AWAKEN soundtrack seems almost mandatory while writing about the drama. So that's what I'm doing right now.

AWAKEN's final performance was Sunday, April 29, at Riverside chapel in Story City, Iowa, the very same venue where the ministry was born seven years ago. By the end of the show there was not a dry eye amongst the cast or crew, because this was the end of the adventure. AWAKEN isn't happening next year. It may never happen. Jon and Tiffany feel God's calling to devote themselves wholly to serving their church, where Jon is a lead pastor. The other three AWAKEN leadership folks are 1) moving across the state next year, 2) having a baby, and 3) getting married. All good reasons to need to step away. Thus, AWAKEN is entering a "season of discernment" while the board discerns God's call for the future of the ministry.

We arrived, set up, and performed Saturday the 28th, then spent the night in the Riverside cabins. Sunday after church, the team ate lunch, and gathered for the end-of-year party. Normally this event happens several weeks after the last tour stop, but since there are always a few people who's schedules conflict, having the party during our last tour weekend allowed everyone to be there. Unlike most tour stops, we had lots of extra time - because we were performing in the same venue two nights in a row, we hadn't needed to tear down Saturday night, drive to a new tour location, and load-in and setup on Sunday.

I don't remember the exact sequence of events. But in roughly this order, the end-of-year-party started with Jon and Tiffany reading to us from "Oh, the Places You'll Go!," by Dr. Seuss, followed by a mini-sermon. We had time for team members to share memories from the season, funny stories, what AWAKEN has meant in our lives, how we've been changed. Then came the AWAKEN awards - ridiculous "awards" presented to each team member. Mine, for example, was the "I spend more time listening to audio books than being at AWAKEN," award (I listened to a lot of audio books during my drives). Afterward, per AWAKEN tradition, we went outside to play whiffleball. Everyone was "required" to enjoy it and have fun for "at least 15 seconds", even Beth, who hates whiffleball. It was cold and a little rainy, so we only played one inning. I had fun (even past the requisite 15 seconds).

Inside we had a large group prayer, and an hour of free time before dinner. "Team Bad Guys" (the demons) met backstage for a small group prayer. And that's when I first started crying. I'd been doing okay denying "the end" up until that point, but large group, and especially our small group time after, my tears started coming. Reality sunk it and it sucked.

Dinner happened. I snuck over to leave thank you cards backstage and on the control center, all signed by the team the previous night. Make-up happened. Family photo (all the cast together with our makeup) happened. Prayed out our voices. Then walked over to the chapel and took our places for Creation, one final time. Surreal.

My memory is a blur. Months have gone by now, which, added to the emotional finality of that night, means my specific memories are scant.

I remember in the 'calling of the disciples' scene, normally Howie, who played my fisherman son, gives me a bear hug when he is called to follow Jesus and leave me - this night, he literally picked me up off the ground when we hugged. He's done that during rehearsals as a joke, but never in a live performance. I had to resist the urge to laugh out loud.

I remember hearing someone from cast saying, after the show, how easy it was to bring out tears during the mourning scene while Jesus hung on the cross, because the tears [of mourning AWAKEN] were real, not much "acting" required. I remember a lot of people crying in the back of the venue during the mourning, and into the resurrection, scenes. I was near Kindra and Jess, and I gave them both a big hug right before their cue to go back into the scene. And when Haley, as Satan, was cast out after the resurrection, I made sure I was waiting to catch her as she ran out - I knew how very, very emotionally difficult that role had been all season for her to play.

And my favorite memory from the show itself: during the resurrection song ("Take Heart" by Hillsong), Jon walked up to the sound board, and he and Blair turned up the music as the tomb light faded and Jesus prepared to come back on stage, resurrected. Jon and I both, independently, gave a little punch into the air as the music climaxed and Jesus appeared. Maybe you had to be there.

As the show ended, we angels left the stage, but instead of heading to the makeup room like we normally would, everyone stayed in the sanctuary to listen to Jon's final closing talk. He was choked up, but somehow held it together; the entire cast/crew though were sobbing. It is finished.

Pause for a moment of silence, please

As Jon spoke, many hugs were going around amongst the cast and crew. Somehow, I wasn't crying, not at that moment. My "pre-mourning" earlier helped me keep it together at this moment, so I could try to support my friends. An understatement would be saying we were heart-broken. AWAKEN is more than a performance, more than a show; it is a community. It is Church.

Walking back to the makeup room, it had rained, and the ground was wet. My slippers were soaked and muddy after only a few steps. My brain works in funny ways: the metaphor I drew was that my slippers, much like me, had given their all, and might now be ruined. Weeks later I could look back and say that my slippers, much like me, had given their all, and then after a good washing, were ready to tackle life again.

As usual I was the last one to finish taking off my face paint. Beth waited for me. We shared a moment, not ready to go back into the chapel to start tearing down for the last time.

We were the last two back; I was about to put my gloves on and start wrapping cables, but... I couldn't. I walked over to Beth and Amanda, gave them a big hug, and Kindra, seeing me tearing up, came over and gave me a huge hug.

Blair commented to me that, "let's be honest, tear-down's gonna take a lot longer tonight than normal." I concurred. Marginally because the venue was not well suited for moving road cases around; but mostly because no one wanted to make it real.

While putting away the feeder (a ridiculously heavy cable that feeds electricity to all the equipment), I found a penny. ... Apparently I never blogged about this in the past: the backstory is when my Grandma Sue was dying, she promised to throw pennies down from heaven as a reminder that she's thinking about us. It makes finding a penny a bit more meaningful.

Loading the truck took longer than normal as well, because carpools were leaving, and that meant lots of goodbyes. With many of these friends it is not goodbye forever; I know I'll see them individually, maybe in twos or threes, but not again in this entire large group. So taking time for goodbyes was important.

There was a funny sight of Jon, Tiffany, and Chad driving around with a ridiculously large ladder on the back of a truck - I can't do it justice, other than to say they were having way too much fun.

Truck loaded, the few of us remaining took a short breather. On our way back out to the cars, Jon and Tiffany had just finished locking the chapel - we said our goodbyes, though I knew I'd see them again in a few weeks.

Blair, Alica, Levi, Jacob, Lyndsay and I caravanned from Riverside to the locker in Ames, where we unloaded everything back into storage for the last time. What I feared would be a somber task turned into quite the laughter-filled time with friends; sad, yet joyful, simultaneously. I think, too, we are all people of the mindset "get things done, then process emotions later." We really did have a blast, lots of jokes, lots of laughter.

That night I stayed with Blair and Levi in Ames, planning to drive home in the morning. Morning came, and I couldn't bring my car to get on the freeway toward home. Instead, I ended up back in Des Moines, to visit Beth at work. A 40 minute drive for a 10 minute conversation, but it's exactly what I needed: to see her in "normal" life, carrying on. After Beth, I went back to Blair and Levi's apartment, where they, and also Jacob and Alica, were hanging out, watching a sports game. You know how much I love me a good sports game. Spending time with people who were wrestling the same emotions as I, who knew exactly how I was feeling - invaluable. Even though we didn't talk much about AWAKEN, just being there, not being along, was what I needed.

I finally left Ames at 4 p.m. Along the way I needed to stop at a gas station and take a nap, because I was just so emotionally exhausted from crying - I had cried most of the way to DSM, remained on the brink of tears while talking with Beth, and then cried most of the way back to Ames. It reminded me of the 2010-2011 mime, after Jesus died, when I was playing a disciple and all the disciples hugged each other goodbye, and tearfully went back to our normal, every day status quo lives. In a very real sense that's what we all did at the end of AWAKEN, too.

What's amazing about that parallel, what gives me hope, is that our mourning wasn't the end of the story: in the mime, a few minutes later, Jesus resurrects, and called us back to living a meaningful life. I would like my life to parallel that. Like the disciples who walked and talked with the living Jesus, in what is perhaps an indescribable way, our lives from being in AWAKEN are changed and marked forever.

---

In the months since AWAKEN, Beth and I wrote a proposal for continuing the ministry, essentially volunteering to take over Jon and Tiffany's roles. We met with Jon and Tiff, during which they were exceptionally open and honest. A month later Beth and I met with Jon plus two members of the board to talk about our vision, and get to know each other. Beth and I felt the meeting went incredibly poorly (though later we were told the board members had not felt that way at all).

Two months after that, we met with the entire board. In the end, they said "no," they do not feel God's calling for Beth and I to become the core leadership. That is not to say the board doesn't see AWAKEN continuing, only that we are not the ones they see in those roles. Which is okay, for three reasons: They said "no" for [what I consider to be] the right reasons; neither Beth nor I really wanted to be the "buck stops here" people in AWAKEN leadership (our desire to see the ministry continue overruled that non-desire); and there are at least one or two other proposals on the table from others interested in seeing AWAKEN continue, and even though Beth and I will not be the "it" people of leadership, that does not preclude us from being on a larger leadership team, were it to happen.

The board's answer, while it could be seen as disheartening and disappointing, was neither to me. People who know me know how much I need "one more thing" on my plate, and, though AWAKEN would have become my priority over all else, it is admittedly a relief not needing to make those time-management choices that would have been required in my life.

My prayer after AWAKEN ended, and again after meeting with the board: "God, I don't know what my future is in AWAKEN, what you have in store, but, here I am. That's it. Here I am."

That applies to life, as well, not just AWAKEN. Major life changes from 2012 have included: a new job, starting a new company, the end of AWAKEN, acceptance into candidacy for seminary, a new roommate, a relationship starting, and ending, and, most recently, a major house plumbing kerfuffle (blog post coming soon). When I look at how much change could happen in a matter of two or three weeks, I realize I have no idea what to expect from the next two or three months, years, etc. God only knows. It's not something I need to solve, I just need to keep myself open to possibilities, and understand that reality will look vastly different than anything I dream up; my imagination is limited, His is not.

On April 29, before shutting down the sound system the final time, Blair and I played the song "Only the Beginning of the Adventure", from the Chronicles of Narnia soundtrack. It seemed fitting.

Welcome to the Adventure.

Life is Good

At 1:06 a.m. I turn 26. And Life is Good. I say that because my life is going "as planned"? Not exactly the words I want to use. Hm. But to say it's "going well" sounds so boring.

Just got home from a production meeting, where we did our post-mortem on the last movie shoot (not nearly as much name-calling and yelling and gnashing of teeth as I'd expected :) and also figured out roles for the next project. I'll be production managing, and I'm super excited.

Our star from the last movie just emailed me a draft she's written for a sequel. I enjoy reading scripts, and I'm very excited to read what she's done with the character.

Friend Pam took me to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert earlier this week. What a light show. Wow. Great music, too, but really: total techie-drooling over all the cool toys they had.

Work has been busy; boss approved all the projects I want to be working on, as well as the potential of me working remotely from LA for a week every now and then.

I have so much to do that life will never be boring. I need to take time to pause and listen to God's Calling, though, because I'm just going my own way and not really taking the Holy Spirit into account. Prayers for that appreciated. And frankly, call me out on it if you ever feel so inclined. I need the reminders.

Chapel talk last Thursday went well. Lots of folks have commented how it meant something to them. Folks who wouldn't have to say anything; they've gone out of their way.

In my friendships I'm noticing how much I've matured from the person I was a year ago. I'm forcing the relationships less and listening more. Part of it's from busy-ness. Part of it is maturity. Let's pretend the larger portion is maturity :)

At AWAKEN this past weekend the director and her husband (the founder) announced they will be leaving the ministry at the end of this year, in order to focus full-time on their church (he's the pastor). So there won't be AWAKEN next year. The board might find new leadership for the year afterward, they might not, it's a "definite maybe" :) In any case, it's interesting because since October 4 I've been coming to peace with this being my last year in the drama (without knowing this may possibly be the last year it even exists!), and I feel good about it. Again, everything just feels like a natural progression. I'm not trying, life is just falling into place.

Oh, and one more piece of evidence for that theory: I've been waiting and waiting and waiting to hear if school will hire me to work the Madrigal Dinner event in February. I've worked it every year since 2004 (except last year because they took a year off), but this year I resolved that they needed to approach me, I would not go begging for the contract. This is mostly because, in many areas of my life, I'm tired of pushing my way onto a situation, or trying too hard to make something work. I chose in this case to resist that urge. It's been hard, but finally this past week I got the email that the director wants to talk with me, and though I don't want to count the chickens before they hatch, I'm pretty sure they'll hire me. So that's exciting.

One last vague example, I recently chose to do the "right" thing even though I thought it was going to cost me significantly. In the end, it didn't, but I still have the satisfaction of making the right decision.

My conclusion is that God's calling me to live my own sermon: live the Pooh-wei, allow life to happen and don't waste my hours fretting.

And at 1:06 a.m. I turn 26. Life is good.

AWAKENing the LCMC, and new season starts tomorrow!

Tuesday night AWAKEN performed last year's drama for a gathering of LCMC pastors and church leaders in Des Moines. Half our cast was different because not everyone from last year was able to make it back, so there were a lot of subs, and even those of us who'd been in it previously saw changes to our roles. Fortunately for me my changes were minor, but some people had completely different roles to learn!

It was hard walking in to the space during setup and seeing the LCMC logo, just because of my own personal beef with the LCMC. I had struggled with this decision months ago, whether I could in good conscience help out with this performance. In the end I figured I'd be quite the hypocrite if I didn't, passing judgement on those I judge for judging. We're all imperfect human beings, who am I to assume I'm any better? Still, it was unexpectedly difficult being in that space at first.

We set up most of our equipment Monday night. Easiest load-in ever: the convention center had a real loading dock, so Derek backed the truck right up to the building and we never needed to use the lift gate. And the main room was about 10 feet from the dock.

Adding to the "make my life easy", we tied our audio into the convention center's system that was already set up, so we didn't need to set up 4/5 of our audio gear (not entirely true: we set it up, then tore it down when we finally figured out we could use their speakers... don't get me started). For tear-down after the performance this was absolutely wonderful.

The convention center staff stayed extra late Monday night helping us finish rigging our truss and focus lights. Meaning no need for the truss stands. And we used their projector, so we didn't have to set that up, either.

I make it sound so easy. Setup still took 4+ hours Monday night, and then Tuesday we couldn't get into the room until 5:30, performance starts at 7. In that hour and a half we had to set up the entire stage, re-set the floor lighting, test everything and hope it all still works, have the cast run through a couple scenes and then set props and put on makeup. Stressful. We didn't end up starting on time :)

Special thanks to Beth for putting on my makeup!

My role was mostly the same as before, but still, it's been 5 months, so almost everyone was using a notecard. This got awkward because I was borrowing someone else's shorts, and to avoid logos they had to be inside out. So throughout the drama I'd be standing either backstage or in the back of the auditorium digging in my pants trying to find that pocket. Hopefully no one noticed.

The performance itself went splendidly. Not perfectly, but given so many new people, and the rest of us who haven't looked at the script since April, and no real rehearsal in the space, everything went really, super great. We exited before it happened, but I'm told we were given a standing ovation. As Jon mentioned to us, we did more promotion for AWAKEN in that one hour than in the entire 6 years of its history. Because every single person in that room is a church leader with the power to bring AWAKEN to their church. Apparently there were a number of folks wanting a west coast tour: Montana, Washington state, California, and a few others. Who knows if it'll happen, but how exciting that we just got national exposure.

Clean-up went well. Their worship team for the next morning rehearsed while we wrapped cables and tore down. I noticed many of us were singing along, and it was nice to have a little bit of our own worship time after the chaos of the previous hours.


The new season of AWAKEN starts this weekend. Heading to Des Moines tomorrow for our first Attack. There will be many familiar faces: my AWAKEN family, I call them - and many new faces: friendships waiting to be made. Welcome to the adventure. Again.

AWAKEN: The Final Weekend

AWAKEN season 6 ended last weekend with performances in Woodbury, MN and Story City, IA.

I miss it so much. I’m not ready to leave this chapter in my life. At the same time, I’m looking with great anticipation to discover what’s next. Where am I Called now?

I learned lessons of servant-hood. I learned to be flexible. I learned that what’s best for the ministry, what’s best for Jeremy, and what Jeremy wants, are not all mutually exclusive. I learned how to mime, how to channel emotion into my role when I cannot use words, how to take criticism knowing the love with which it’s given. I learned how to sit still and let Lynnea paint my face :) I learned to be less inhibited and just be me - if I feel like jumping as part of my worship, then I’m going to jump. I learned that I need a ministry like this in my life, something that makes me come alive, something I spend my entire week longing for, checking each day, “is it Friday yet? Do I get to go to AWAKEN yet? Do I get to see my family yet?”, and something after which I'm exhausted, but I feel good about having given my all.

Certain friendships were deepened that frankly I had never suspected would. Acquaintances became real friends, people with whom I will now choose to hang out and keep in touch.

Some of the Gospel characters came alive for me. I played Peter 4 times, and each performance I learned something new about him, putting myself in his spot, trying to feel what he would have felt. Maybe he’s my favorite apostle now :)

I also played an angel in those 4 performances, plus this past weekend. I got to participate in Creation, announce the birth of Jesus, and at the end, help welcome our humanity character into Heaven. The physicality, running around, adds to the excitement, gives me a small glimpse to how the angels might feel.

In the final two performances, I played a pharisee, standing on the opposite side of the stage from Peter. It felt out-of-body. I got to see the aftermath of what I [as Peter] had run from.

Of course my parents and friends from home thought I did a good job. What else would they say? Yet I’m convinced I did, because there are friends in AWAKEN who do tell me the honest truth, and would have told me if I screwed up. The director being one of them. For those people in particular to tell me I did well - that meant a lot.

Switching roles between weekends was a combination of mildly amusing and mildly confusing: as an angel, one week I was 3rd in line, the next I was 4th; very similar role even though I was subbing for a completely different person. Then I’d have to remember, “no, I’m not getting the whip, I fly over to the side and get the hammer and nails instead.”

Logistics of last weekend: Friday night five of the Ames crew drove up and stayed at my house. I felt so domestic hosting them: I had brownies fresh out of the oven when they arrived, plenty of snacks and drinks, sheets and blankets and pillows, I’d vacuumed (for the first time in longer than I’d care to admit), I’d cleaned, and most importantly, I loved being able to open my home to my friends.

Saturday we started setting up at the church at 9 - we had to be done working by 4 so the church’s band could prep for their 5:17 evening service. Some of the team (myself included) attended the 5:17 service, which was a Palm Sunday celebration. And their band played Hosanna (Praise is rising), which just happens to be our Palm Sunday song in the mime!

Several of my friends from church, and several friends from movie-making, came to see the drama that night. I was so happy to see them. There were others I really wish could have come, I longed for them to experience this Story. I can only do so much, I can’t force anyone to come.

Saturday night I hosted Jesus (Matt) and his wife at my house. Sitraka (our tech director) locked his keys in his car that morning when we left my house, so he had to break in through his window that night. Jesus stood in the street with a flashlight to help him. That's just fun to say :) I came out and ate a brownie while I watched, hoping to mollify any neighbors' suspicions about the apparent car-jacking.

Sunday morning we drove to Story City. The cast traveling in the 15-passenger van met at the church at 7:30. The four of us leaving from my house didn’t have to leave until 8:30. Beautiful :)

I did something really stupid on the way down: stubborn me kept saying I’ll have enough gas to make it to Albert Lea and fill up at my favorite gas station/plaza there. Well, we did have enough gas, but I think I was literally down to fumes - I pumped more gas into my car than I knew the tank actually held. Oops.

Our timing arriving in Story City was perfect: everyone had just finished unloading the truck when we walked in the building. Lunch. Then set up.

The school where we performed, two years ago we performed there, as well. And two years ago, on that very weekend, that was when my Crohn’s symptoms returned after 43 weeks off Remicade treatment. I was spiritually broken that weekend, my miracle had ended. Despair. And yet I knew God was somehow still there: of all the random fundraisers, this school was fundraising “coins for Crohn’s”. What on earth. Signs all over the hallways. That’s not your typical fundraiser. Not in a high school. God was present.

Two years later I’m back again, and I reflected on my faith journey over that time.

When I played Peter in the mime, I keep my eyes closed during the resurrection, Jesus comes to find us a few moments later. This night, this final performance night, I was not Peter, I was in the back ready to fly out as an angel in the next scene, and so I resolved: I’m sneaking into the doorway and watching the resurrection tonight!

Tear-down was hard. Emotionally. Last time. Last time to wrap cables, lift down the speakers, disconnect the audio board from Houston (our control center), wrap the audio snake, load the truck. And as that happened, people were leaving. I said goodbye to friends, and I won’t see them next weekend, I won’t see them for at least a month (post-season party), but some of them not even then. I don’t know when I’ll see them again. That’s sad.

In Gierke family tradition (my Mom’s side of the family), I was one of the last to leave. Sitraka agreed that he wouldn’t mind staying to help unload the truck into the storage locker, then we stayed with Blair and Tyler and Tanner, prolonging the weekend into Monday morning. (I took Monday off work, and didn’t read a single work-related email until Tuesday morning).

It rained when we unloaded the truck. Fitting. I didn’t cry, not at that particular moment. I didn’t need to. Monday afternoon, though, I had my sob-fest. Alone. Just me and God. I felt better afterward.

I’m not ready to be done. I keep listening to the AWAKEN soundtrack over and over. These songs will forever have meanings attached: creation of humanity; setting the stage for Jesus’ birth and lift; the Call of the disciples; walking on water; Palm Sunday; the Last Supper; prayer in the Garden; the Crucifixion and burial; the RESURRECTION! And HEAVEN! Once an AWAKEN song, always an AWAKEN song.

God, your servant is ready. I'm ready for the next adventure. Please don't make me wait too long :)

Peter

I played Peter again this past weekend for AWAKEN.

On Sunday we added something: after Peter's third denial, I held up three fingers, calling back to earlier in the drama when Jesus held up three fingers and told me I would deny Him three times. Simple action, it caught me off guard when I actually did it. I held up my hand, I realized, I looked Him in the eyes, and I ran for all I was worth. I wanted to keep running. I almost ran into a wall once I was outside the sanctuary. I didn't want to stop. I thought of all the time I've spent denying God, not often because I was afraid and wanted to be cool, moreso my years-long struggle to figure out who Jesus was. How much time did I waste? Impossible to put into words. Suffice it to say, I felt a small glimpse of Peter's emotion.

Sunday was an adventure. Our man who plays Satan was injured (concussion and a couple cuts on his forehead) during rehearsal, and he took out the projector as well. This on top of having one cast member sick, one still recovering from illness, another out of town. Then half our lights started malfunctioning.

There's a happy ending, it all worked out okay, but my first thought was: who's coming tonight that the real Satan doesn't want to be reached?

I'll probably never know that answer, and that's okay. It was just my first reaction.

Rehearsal was over then and there. We waited patiently as they tended to Alexander's wounds. We prayed as a group. This is where AWAKEN shines: we are a family.

Our executive director, Tiffany, took on the role of Satan. Rather than rearranging any of the other cast (we already had three people subbing in this weekend!), leadership decided she knew the role best. I think she needed to do it, too - as she put it, "I may or may not have some emotions to put into the role".

And Blaire and Sitraka and I fixed the lights - it took over an hour swapping out dimmer packs and cables to narrow down the TWO, not just one, bad DMX cables. We finished about 30 minutes before the doors were supposed to open. I ran and ate dinner, the church graciously kept the food warmed even though everyone else had already eaten. I changed quickly, put in my contacts, and then tried to calm myself as Lynnea painted my face.

It was stressful pulling double duty: crew and cast. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. I knew I was doing Good. And that's worth being exhausted for.

On Saturday Kelsey, our director, shared with us the story of the woman in the temple, who gave her two copper coins to the offering. She asked us to ponder, what are our two coins that we're bringing to God?

On Sunday Lyndsay, our tour manager, shared the same story, completely without knowing Kelsey had shared it the day before. She shared with us about a little boy who saw Saturday's performance, and how enthralled he was, and how, at the end during offering, he emptied his pockets of the few dollars he had, and then said "I wish I could give more".

I spent a lot of time thinking about what my copper coins look like. In the end I think I decided it was my body: bad eyesight, incurable Crohn's, pain in my foot every time I walk (injury from last weekend's performances and heavy lifting, I think). But I gave AWAKEN everything I had - I gave God everything I had. When I laid down in bed Sunday night, I was exhausted, in a good way. Physically draining, AWAKEN remains life-giving. Hearing my friend say he was bawling the entire show. Hearing the story of that little boy. Knowing the difference AWAKEN has made in my life, both as past audience member and as current crew/cast. Those stories make it worthwhile. Those stories make it worth giving my everything.

Reflections on Awaken - Part 2

One post apparently wasn't enough for me. So much more came to mind as soon as I hit "Publish".

The physicality of AWAKEN caught me off-guard: lots of running during Creation; a sword fight, swinging around a not-at-all-light-weight sword; running away from the roman guards, and so on. Definitely helped get me into "the zone".

To be a witness and participant in the majesty of Creation - how awesome and amazing and exciting and so many emotions for which I do not even have words. How beautiful to see the promise of Heaven, to be an angel welcoming "Our Gal" Home. Chris Tomlin's Glory in the Highest brings me instantly to tears, it will forever be inextricably linked to these emotions, to the promise of life after death.

My role last weekend as Peter - I deny Jesus three times, I stare into His eyes, then I run away. At the Cross after He dies, have I ever thought what the disciples were feeling? AWAKEN brings that story alive to me: what were those emotions?

Courtney gave me the suggestion, think how you'd feel if your best friend had just been killed. Well. I think I caught her off-guard. Not my best friend, but I told her about Katherine. Courtney had heard her story, and actually because of it, she's brought friends along when she goes to interviews from Craigslist. That detail struck me.

When I, as Peter, approached the Cross, I saw Matt hanging there, but in my mind I was thinking of Katherine, putting myself in that dark place, and the sniffles and tears were real, that wasn't acting.


AWAKEN needs to be experienced, it is beyond words, beyond description. Being a part of the team, how humbling, how incredible, to help tell a Story so much bigger than me.

Called to Ministry

Not seminary. Lesson learned in LA a couple weeks ago: I can't sit in a classroom, not right now. 10, 20 years from now, seminary might happen. But not now. I'm called to ministry now.

What does that mean? What does that look like?

I have some ideas, I don't have answers.

I miss playing guitar. I don't get to play at church, I don't get to play at school for chapel, and I miss it. And I can honestly say, I don't miss it because of selfishness: I miss it because I know that's supposed to be a form of ministry, a gift God has given me and I'm to use responsibly, but nevertheless I am supposed to use it.

When I was in LA, when we were hanging out in Santa Monica, Bernadett said to me "when you get out here, I think we should grab our guitars and minister to the people, like these street performers". That was the best idea I've ever heard. Especially because it came from someone else - not me. That removes my fear of "am I doing this just for myself?"

And this year I'm in AWAKEN. How can I bring that to LA with me? Because I'm not ready to leave it behind.

This weekend in the mime I played Peter, and my big scene, my "time to shine" as the director put it, is telling the story when I walked on water. I set the scene, I illustrate that I'm in a boat, I look out over the sea, and I stop, I see something; jumping to the other side of the stage, I point at Jesus, and then I mime Him, calling me (Peter), gesturing, "come to me"; "me? no no no you've got the wrong guy"; "Yes! You! Come to me!". Cautiously I step over the edge of the boat. I take a couple steps! Excitement! I'm doing it! I stumble. He catches me. It was all by His power.

The power of that scene didn't hit me until today. My friend Dan stopped by my office, something was wonky with his computer. Then we talked. I shared my story. He pointed out to me the passion he heard in my voice as I told him about AWAKEN. And then I don't even remember the context, but he made a similar beckoning gesture that I used during the mime, and I realized "Oh my. God, maybe there's something deeper here?". Maybe God's beckoning, gesturing for me to step out of my comfortable boat, walk on water. Not by my power, by His. I already know anything I would do to bring AWAKEN, or something similar, to California is so beyond my power. But not beyond His. And as Dan pointed out, even when you walk on water, and fall, there's a hand reaching down to grab you and pull you back up.

Trust, Jeremy.

One of my friends from AWAKEN two years ago is living in California, not too far from LA. Yesterday I posted on her FB wall, what would you think about starting an AWAKEN ministry in CA? I admitted I don't know if that's what God's Calling me toward, it's just an idea. For now.

She said that's the best idea she's ever heard.


I know I'm called to ministry. Counseling friends, that will never get old. I can do that anytime, anywhere. And that's enough. Or is it? Is it a stepping stone? What's next?

I don't know.

But I'm excited to find out.

Awaken - My first experience as a mime!

I was a mime this weekend!

You may recall I bought contacts two months ago specifically so I could be a mime in AWAKEN, but then that particular performance was cancelled because of weather.

Last week one cast member had to withdraw himself from the drama, and another one fell ill. When I read that email, I admit my hopes soared that I'd be getting a phone call later that day, since the leadership team all knew how excited I'd been to be in the drama last month. Sure enough, a text message came that evening: "Hey Jeremy. I have a question for you, would you call when you have a sec. Thanks!" The phone conversation started with me saying "If your question is what I think it is, then the answer is 'yes, I'd love to'". She laughed, and asked if I'd like to be in the Awaken cast. I affirmed, yes, I'd love to. At that point they didn't know exactly which role I'd play, just that I'd have a role.

On Friday I found out I'd play Peter. Tiffany graciously typed up notes for me about each important scene, and I was able to read through those before leaving home.

The Minneapolis crew met at my house at 7:30 Saturday morning, and we arrived in Waukee, IA at 11:40. Lunch. Then unloaded the truck and began setup. Once I had audio up and running, I excused myself and started writing my cheat sheet note card to keep in my pocket during the drama, combining my notes from Tiffany, the script, and the other cast members I was sitting with.

Once all the equipment was running and the entire cast had arrived, we ran several scenes as a rehearsal. Didn't have time to run the whole show, though.

Before each performance, the cast gathers and we pray out our voices - during the drama there is no talking, even back stage. The first time I heard about this (two years ago) I didn't really get it. This year, I've come to appreciate the spiritual discipline of surrendering one's voice.

As best I could, I tried to honor that. However, because I was new this week, Tiffany explicitly told the cast before rehearsal, "If Jeremy talks to you during the performance please talk back to him, don't try to mime it, it's okay". I appreciated that. Fortunately, for most of the drama, I just needed to follow the "J-Train" (Jesus and the disciples) and "react" - this mostly consists of looking astonished every time Jesus did a miracle. But there were a couple times when I got backstage and had no idea where I was supposed to go next - at those moments the cast was incredibly gracious. Courtney and Jacob both went above and beyond to look out for me (both before and during the drama), and every single cast member lifted me up with encouragement, I can't even name specific names because I'd have to name the entire team. I know people always say that, it's cliché. I actually mean it. I literally cannot think of a single person who did not go out of their way to encourage me.

That's what makes AWAKEN different from theatre. It's a ministry, not only to the audience, but to our team, as well.


A few lessons I learned: I have a new appreciation for glow tape. I never knew how hard it is when you're in full light and then all of a sudden, complete blackout and you can see nothing. There is one moment in particular when I run full-steam from stage to the back of the venue, and there's a point 2/3 down the aisle when the light stops and I can't see anything (even with contacts :), just keep running and hope you don't hit anything.

I learned what it means to be a servant. Sort of. I mean, I really wanted to be in the cast, I was really excited, but at the same time I don't have control over what role I'll play, I needed to surrender myself to what the leadership determined was best for the ministry, not for Jeremy. (I don't believe those are mutually exclusive) Doing both crew and cast meant I never got much of a break. And I was a driver. So here was my day: drive 4 hours Saturday morning, help unload the truck, set up audio, learn my role, run through rehearsal, set props, change clothes to cast, eat dinner, get face painted, do the drama! change clothes back to techie, strike, load truck, drive to host home (1.5 hours). Sunday, breakfast, church, unload truck, help with set up, switch to "cast mode", rehearsal, dinner, face paint, drama, strike, load truck, drive 3 hours home (arrive home about 1:15 am).

I loved every single minute of it. Except the driving, I could have done with a few less hours of that. Otherwise, loved every. single. minute.

Also, I learned face paint is really hard to take off. Unless you're not trying. You never know how much you rely on being able to itch your face, blow your nose, take a sip of water... until you can't :) Huge thanks to Lynnea for her amazing face-painting talents. I was very sad when it did come time to wipe away her artwork.

And this story is perhaps the epitome of AWAKEN: things won't go as planned. Saturday I nearly fell off a ladder when I was an angel (apparently it was only noticeable if you knew what that scene was supposed to look like), and then Sunday we had to carry Jesus by hand because the stretcher prop was missing. Improvisation. Oh, and Sunday's venue had an elevated stage, so we had to contend with steps and slightly different staging for the fight scenes. It all worked out well, just more lessons learned that I wouldn't have really paid attention to as crew.

After each drama, the cast gathers again, and we pray our voices in. I can't describe in words, it's a humbling experience. God, thank you for my voice. May it be an instrument of healing, reconciliation, and outreach, not just to Your Church, but to those who've been rejected, who've not experienced Your Love.


My heart is once again torn. I'm moving to LA soon, but before I made that decision, I pondered delaying my move until June 2012 for the sole purpose of joining AWAKEN next year as cast, not crew. That's why the opportunity to join cast mid-season this year is so perfect - I get to fulfill all my dreams. This ministry means so much to me, and it will forever continue as part of my heart and soul. I do not feel I can delay my move another year, but the thought is very tempting. I'm asking God for discernment now on how I might bring His ministry to California. Am I Called to start a "new" AWAKEN on the west coast? Is there already a drama group out there that I can join? Is there a way of bringing AWAKEN out there all the way from Iowa? These questions are so much bigger than I am. Good thing they're not bigger than God.

Not ready to leave the Adventure

Awaken season 6 will be over in less than 3 weeks. I'm not ready. It's too soon. This ministry fills a void in my life I never knew I had: a passionate yearning to show the world what God's incredible, crazy love looks like. God, please lead me forward, please guide me to new opportunities for outreach, especially as I move to California. May the flame that Awaken has ignited never burn out.

So Close

I came so close to being a mime last weekend. I bought contacts (and learned how to poke my eyes), reviewed all my notes from the dress rehearsal last month, prayed, even got to run through Saturday's afternoon rehearsal, and then... Sunday's performance was cancelled due to icy weather. That was the only performance Emily will miss, she's here every other date. My one and only shot. Bummer.

I was really excited, too - running through that last rehearsal with costumes and props and everything, it was fun! Like, I could see myself doing this. Maybe I need to apply to Awaken again next year - as a cast member...

Mimes don't wear glasses

Or at least, AWAKEN mimes don't.

Our first performance weekend is two weeks away, and for one of those performances, I'll make my debut as a mime, subbing in for one of our actors who can't be there.

Here's the rub: AWAKEN mimes don't wear glasses. So I have two choices:

1. Go blind (two other actors do this)


2. Get contacts

I've never had contacts before, and my eyes water at the very thought. Nevertheless, the fear of tripping over a pew or a person while stumbling blindly in the dark is unappealing enough that I broke down went in to get contacts.

Trip #1 was unsuccessful. I was already at MOA to get my hair cut, so afterward I confidently strolled into a glasses store, spectacle Rx in hand, and asked the kind man to explain this whole "contacts" thing to me.

"Well," he said, and I'm paraphrasing greatly, "you can't do that here. This is a glasses prescription, you need to get fitted for contacts, and we'd have to charge you for a full exam to do that."

Who knew?

This morning, I called my normal optometrist, (because really, it's such a fun word, why would you not want to call someone called an "optometrist"?) explained my situation, and snuck in for an afternoon appointment.

I sat cautiously, nervously awaiting the inevitable poking of my eyes. My optometrist came in, we exchanged pleasantries, and he put these... things! in my eyes. Blink blink tear cry sniffle. There's something in my eye! Oh wait, but I can see... and my glasses are in my pocket? Wait a second... This is so weird!

For whatever reason, my right eye didn't like the first lens he put in, so he threw it away and tried a different brand. Odd, because my left eye has the stronger Rx, so I would have thought that one would like it less (thicker lens?). Anyway. Second attempt now of prying my eyes open while they watered and squinted, and he got the lens in. Blink blink FML blink blink. Maybe going blind is a better idea. No, no. I made it this far, I'm paying them to do this. I'm paying to be tortured? There's something wrong about that...

Next step: I have to do it on my own! Eek! They brought me to the special chair in the special room with the special mirror, and made me feel special. Here, take this little flexible plastic thing and shove it in your eye! Poke prod blink water cry, lather rinse repeat.

Over an hour after I arrived, I had succeeded in removing, placing, removing, and re-placing my little trial lenses. I drove home. I drove without glasses. For the first time ever. I've had glasses since 7th grade. I've never driven without glasses.

Two hours later I took out the contacts (per my instructions, I'm supposed to build up a tolerance - 2 hours today, 4 tomorrow, 6 the next day, and so on).

The nurse kept insisting contacts would grow on me. I remain skeptical. But at least I'll be able to see for AWAKEN. As long as I don't poke an eye out before then.

Once an Awaken Song, Always an Awaken Song

A few weeks ago, I was listening to music in the car from my iPhone. A few songs into the Genius playlist, the resurrection song from Awaken this past year played, and I instantly teared up. Months later, hundreds of miles away, that song still evoked those same emotions I felt watching the drama: watching Jesus be buried; the tomb lighting up; my friends Kayla and Jessie, the Roman guards, running away; Brandon/God/Jesus appearing on the stage and defeating Courtney/Satan, the song instantly brought me back to that place. Apparently, once an Awaken song, always an Awaken song.

Wonderment

During Awaken last year, before each performance, after rehearsal had finished but before the cast left to start putting on their makeup, we all took 10 minutes for quiet prayer/meditation/preparation in the sanctuary. During this time, Jon played two instrumental songs over our speakers: "Wonderment", by Kerry Muzzey, and "Ben" from the National Treasure soundtrack (essentially the theme song of the movie).

Before last night, I never really understood Kerry's song, "Wonderment." During Awaken it evoked for me a sense of preparing to run into battle, like in Narnia or Lord of the Rings. Last night, it had new meaning: in reflecting on my journey so far toward my next film project (a modern day retelling of Job from the Old Testament), I stood in wonderment of how far God has brought me. So many things fell into place this past week, I'm left with nothing but amazement at how God is working here. And so I understood: the "pre-battle" excitement I felt during Awaken – it doesn't necessarily need to be a battle, but rather, something wonderful, something Epic – the excitement of the adventure to come.

I'm left in Wonderment of God.

It's a good place to be.