Wedding Vows

In a few hours, Alissa and I will make some life-long promises to each other. As a lead-up to the big moment, I thought I'd share some backstory about our vow-writing.

(side-note: we realized yesterday during rehearsal that we never say the literal words "I do" anywhere in the service - hopefully the marriage will still be valid anyway!)

A couple months ago, I reached out to a long lost friend to ask her about a phrase I remember she and her wife had used in their vows. It was something to the effect of "until one of us breathes no more", and the specific way they had phrased it I remember thinking at the time was particularly beautiful, and so I wanted to plagiarize that one sentence in my own vow. Kathryn, who has always been wiser than I, took a few days to ponder my request, and then responded she was choosing to decline sending me that sentence. Instead, she encouraged me and Alissa to do something like what she and her wife had done in their own vow-writing process: visit a coffee shop, and while sitting on opposite sides of the room, contemplate what exactly they were wanting to promise each other, what was important in their relationship. Then after a while (an hour? more? depends on the couple), they came together and, in their case, merged their thoughts into one vow that they would both read.

Alissa and I liked this idea, and so we did our own version of it a week or two ago (though instead of combining, we are each reading our own unique vow). Alissa had written her first draft some months earlier on a sleepless night, but for me this was my first shot really focusing on what I thought I might say. Sitting in Dunn Brothers (they had buy-one-get-one-free that night, so Alissa got a black bitter water and I got something tasty), I went through numerous notes accumulated over years of attending weddings.

Sadly, the promise "I will never leave you in a zombiepocalypse" didn't make it into my final draft, nor did any Taylor Swift lyrics. I also couldn't find a place for my favorite quote from Boy Meets World: "I do my thing and you do your thing. You are you and I am I. And if in the end we end up together, it's beautiful."

At the end of writing, I think my only plagiarism was a phrase lifted from my friend Kayla's vows: "I promise to communicate with you and always work on improving our communication. I promise to listen well and actively." Since communication is something Alissa and I discuss frequently, this seemed fitting.

The rest of my words were largely "Jeremy-isms," such as love being a choice, and my long-held believe that saying "I love you" also means acknowledging, "I will eventually cause you hurt." I also included a generic, though I think poignant, line about holding each others' hands in the doctor's office. Neither of us is sick right now, so it's not anything to panic about. But it comes from this story: years ago, as I prayed to God about a different relationship, I had a mental vision of the woman I loved coming home to me from a doctor's appointment, looking me in the eye, and me instantly knowing without her saying any words, that the test had come back as cancer. God asked me, "if this were to happen, would you love her and care for her even through that journey?" I've always held that in the back of my mind as one of my definitions of "love." And so the doctor's office in my vow may be referencing that, or it may be if we need to visit a fertility clinic for either one of us, or it may be me getting my next colonoscopy (coming up in February/March, oh yay :/ ), or who knows what. As I said it's generic, but for me, powerful in that generality.

The other big one for me is a single word I tucked into this phrase: "I promise I will be yours alone, faithful to you physically, visually, and emotionally." When hearing the word "affair" most people probably assume a physical affair, though in recent years I would say our society has become more open to acknowledging such a thing as an emotional affair, as well, even if it never becomes physical. Going beyond these two, it was as important to me to promise Alissa I would not have an affair with my eyes, either. Like most human males, my sexuality is turned on by visual stimuli, and I live in a culture where it is very difficult to avoid hyper-sexualized print-advertisements, television, movies, etc. Thinking back to a book I read years ago called "Every Man's Battle" (at least, I think that was the book; might have been "Every Man's Marriage" in the same series), the authors discuss "bouncing the eyes" away from provocative ads - as they allege, this "starves" the mind of any sexual arousal other than one's wife, which in turn makes her even more attractive because your mind isn't caught up comparing her to billboard and magazine models. Alissa and I have had some good conversations around this point, but even if we'd never discussed it, I would still have wanted to include the promise in my public declaration.

And lastly, on a less-heavy note, there are a few light-hearted "laugh points" as I call them. For example, "I promise I will try to solve all your problems, and then afterward remember that sometimes you need me just to listen instead of act." If you happen to read this blog post pre-wedding, you have my permission and encouragement to laugh/chuckle/giggle/make a random noise at that point during the vows, because while it is truth, it's also meant to be amusing.

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Alissa,

Love is an emotion, and love is a choice. I have told you I love you in my heart; today I promise to choose to love you every day.

Love is a double edged sword, because saying “I love you” is also promising “I will say and do things that hurt you.” I will make selfish decisions, and we will have fights. Knowing I cannot promise we will have a strife-free relationship, I will instead promise to be there every time to work through the conflict and hurt.

I promise to communicate with you, and to work continually on improving our communication. I promise to listen well and actively. I promise I will try to solve all your problems, and then afterward remember that sometimes you need me just to listen instead of act.

I promise to learn how to make you coffee, to wake you up on mundane days. I promise I will have fun with you, to bring joy into our adventure together. I promise to be your cheerleader when you feel overwhelmed by your career, graduate schooling, or life’s unpredictable doses of chaos. I promise to hold your hand in the doctor’s office while we wait for test results. I promise to respect you and cherish you. I promise I will be yours alone, faithful to you physically, visually, and emotionally. And I promise to encourage you, and challenge you to grow, in your faith walk and relationship with God.

These promises I make from this breath forward, until one of us breathes our last.

Wedding prep insanity, or, "the meat and cheese debacle of '16"

As you may have read in previous wedding-related posts, instead of a dance at our wedding this Friday, Alissa and I will be hosting a service project for our guests to make 3000 sandwiches for distribution this winter to people experiencing homelessness and food scarcity.

Originally, I had been told we would be getting deli meat, cheese, and bread for pennies on the dollar, so I [mistakenly or not] did not budget for this expense. Unfortunately, a week ago (just 11 days before the wedding) I found out my source's source for mass quantities of those steeply-discounted products had dried up and was no longer available.

Thus began the most stressful week I've had in over four years (sadly I do remember the last time I was this close to a nervous breakdown), and yet at the same time it has also been a week full of watching God at work.

Last Wednesday morning, I posted a plea on Facebook, and also to our internal office email list, explaining my plight, and asking if anyone had suggestions for where I might source 400 pounds of meat and 130 pounds of cheese* for the sandwich making.

To say I was blown away by the response would be an understatement. By day's end, two dozen coworkers had replied with advice/suggestions/leads, as had half a dozen friends on FB. But what humbled me even more, were replies of people expressing their desire to contribute money to help defray my unexpected costs. First was an acquaintance from my filmmaking days years ago, followed shortly after by a friend I haven't seen in probably almost a year (and whom I'd forgotten to even invite to the wedding, oops! [that has been fixed now, and he's attending]). The amount of networking happening fell simultaneously into the realms of awesome/hilarious/kinda-crazy, as, for instance: one coworker called his cousin at a meat factory who talked to his manager who then talked to their VP, trying to get some donations worked out. Another called a long time friend who used to own a shop who was going to call the new owner. And another coworker put me in touch with his wife who runs a restaurant and so has access to the Restaurant Depot, which is basically Sam's Club on steroids. I kept thinking of that old joke about "I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy...".

The reality was I had too many suggestions/leads and too few hours to follow through on them myself (remember, I still had other wedding-related tasks on my plate, too!). Acknowledging to myself my own time deficit, I reached out to the wife of one of my close coworkers to ask if she'd be willing call around on my behalf, and so she spent an entire afternoon+evening last week calling various stores and non-profits, trying to find me meat and cheese donations. As the week went on several other friends and coworkers helped in this endeavor, as well. There were so many options in flight it was quite the mental exercise trying to keep everything straight.

In the midst of all this efforting (which for me was extremely exhausting and draining), the easy thing to do would have been give up and say we'll not do the sandwich making project after all. But my stubbornness, and if I may be so bold: the feeling that God was backing us up in this sandwich adventure, kept me from giving up. Instead, I allowed myself to feel the support of Community, all of whom wanted to see us succeed in doing Good (capitalizations deliberate).

Over the next days at work, I was asked frequently if I'd gotten my meat issue solved yet. As I explained my predicament (lots of leads, haven't had time to follow through on all of them, still likely that I'll have to end up purchasing from Sam's Club simply because in-kind donations require longer lead times than the one single week we had), I was continually blown away as more and more coworkers offered, "if you end up needing contributions, I'd be willing to donate some money." It was humbling, and heartening, and reaffirming. As I wrote to Alissa in the midst of this all:

I've had three separate people offer me donations today because of my FB post. I've teared up each time.

I'm sharing this with you to say, *we* *are* supported. The unlikeliest people (well, and some likely ones, too) are stepping up and offering suggestions, tangible help, and even money, to help us do our sandwich making service project. And the ones who can't help (a few of the nonprofits/businesses I've called asking for donations) still say "what a neat and cool idea" to do instead of a dance.

Also, this is a practical lesson for me about what my Jesus Calling devotional has been talking about today and the past couple days: relying on God, rather than my own abilities. The idea of shelling out an un-budgeted $2000+ to make the sandwiches happen, was a bit overwhelming to me. Now money and help are coming out of the woodwork. God is providing. God is teaching me that God provides. God is teaching me that God works through people I wouldn't have expected God to work through. And it is beautiful.

Un-relatedly, a day or two before this chaos began, I'd started keeping a gratefulness journal - writing down (aka typing into a Google Spreadsheet) at least one thing each day for which I was grateful. My spreadsheet was soon being filled with sandwich-related gratefulnesses as more and more people not only affirmed me, but then offered to do what they could to help. For instance Monday morning arriving to work, I hadn't even made it to my desk yet and a coworker handed me a check from him and his wife, because they both believed in our project and wanted to support us.

As I mentioned I (and many others) poured a lot of energy into solving this, including coordinating a trip to price-check meats & cheeses at the Restaurant Depot (huge thank you to Agnes and Keith!), figuring out if we bought the unsliced meat there, where I could slice it and how much that would cost ($1/pound is the answer, turns out), how much time that would take, all the logistics of refrigeration between now and Friday, etc. My contact from Catholic Charities (who will be taking/distributing the sandwiches) also spent hours on the phone talking with me, various Sam's Clubs, possible in-kind donors, and so on.

In the end, even though many vendors would have loved to help, the reality became that there wasn't enough time to clear all the approvals or even to physically ship the necessary quantity of meat and cheese we needed. So, yesterday, Aaron met me at Sam's Club in Eagan, and we loaded up two shopping carts FULL of 399 pounds of ham & turkey, and 130 pounds of cheese.

Now when I say "loaded up," I mean we cleaned them out of two different meat products and half their stock of a third, in order to get all 400 pounds (and it turns out trying to math when you're tired is hard! I don't know how many times we had to re-count the meat in our carts). We had a manager digging out meat from behind the refrigeration units and pushing it through the fridge door to us, while we loaded the carts from the customer-facing side of the fridge. We talked with another manager, who agreed to give us a $25 discount in order to price match website price of the cheese from another Sam's Club (funny side-story: she radioed up to the front to tell the checkout mangers that "two men with a lot of meat and cheese will be coming you way in a minute..."). And when we were pushing the carts from the fridges in the back of the store up to the checkout, we got a healthy dose of strange looks from passers by :)

To anyone and everyone who would listen, I told them Alissa's and my story about wanting to do this 3000-sandwich service project at our wedding reception. The poor cashier who got stuck with ringing us out (193 items total), thanked me, multiple times - I don't know her story, but hearing about our project really touched her and I think made an uplifting difference in her day. She also told me that we were the second largest purchase she'd ever seen come through her line at Sam's.**

While we were ringing out, another manager came up and asked Aaron, "are you the guy I talked to on the phone earlier about the meat?" When I explained what we were doing, she got a little misty eyed and asked, "that's really amazing. Can I hug you?" We both gave her a big hug.

Roughly an hour after arrival, we'd loaded all the meat and cheese into Aaron's Catholic Charities van, and he left to put it into their refrigeration units. At long last, my week of endless efforting had a resolution. At long last, my elevated resting heart rate could return to normal.

Some thoughts and reflections. At first I thought I needed to find in-kind donations, grocery stores willing to give us 10 or 20 pounds of meat here and there, in order to minimize financial cost. In retrospect, I think the week was more a lesson about the love and support of Community. While it would certainly have been nice to get all the meat and cheese for free, I think I spent a lot more time and energy than I should have, trying to pursue that. Had I last Wednesday instead decided, "this is unfortunate, but I'm just going to go to Sam's Club and take care of it," I could have spared myself a lot of stress.

At the same time, in the midst of that stress, I kept listening to two particular songs over and over. In the first (a particular live rendition of "King of My Heart"), the singer improvises some prayers in the middle of the song, and sings full of joy that "He's come to overwhelm the thing that's overwhelmed you this morning." That encouragement kept me going in the middle of my most stressed-out days. A reminder and acknowledgement that God's got this. Not just a platitude of "God's got a plan" or something trite like that. I truly saw tangible reassurances that God was working in this thing I called a "debacle," and when I thought about how many people were helping alongside, how could I not see God's providence in that? This related strongly, I think, to the second song that kept coming back to mind: "God is on the move." Wednesday Thursday and Friday last week, I basically kept these songs on repeat on my headphones, because even in the extreme stress, I still believe in their Truth.

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* These poundage numbers are corrected here from my original Facebook and email estimates.

** UPDATED: Our total cost at Sam's was $1472.54. Of this, $250 was paid for by an "Action Team" grant from Thrivent Financial for Lutherans. $25 was discounted from Sam's Club management as described above. Another $495 was paid for by contributions from friends and coworkers. And at our wedding, an additional $370 was gifted to us for this project. If you feel so led and would like to contribute toward offsetting the remaining $332.54, please let me know!

Wedding FAQs, October edition

Are you getting excited?

Sure? Right now we are both fairly stressed with how many "to-dos" we have left to turn into "been-dones", that it's hard to feel excitement (or any other emotion, other than stress). I'm more excited for life together after the wedding, which is probably a good thing. Like I wrote in June, I hope our wedding day isn't the best day of my whole life!

How is planning going?

If I can manage to wrestle my emotions out of the way, honestly we're doing pretty well. As I'm sure everyone else has experienced with any major project, every detail feels like the most important thing in the moment. For instance, two weeks ago I was panicking over what we would do for trash bins. Reality check: if 5 weeks before your wedding you can devote energy to panicking about rubbish bins, you're probably in a good place.

On a related note, though, I do have a pet peeve I'd like to get off my chest. Many folks, in an effort to be helpful, have offered the advice "remember to enjoy this time of life," or, worse, "remember to just keep it simple!" While I reserve the right to change my mind on this later, for now I remain convinced these people have either never been involved in planning a wedding, or it's been so long since they did, that they've forgotten just how not-simple even the most simple wedding is. In an effort not to get angry at truly well-meaning friends and family who say such things, I choose to interpret their remarks as instead saying "I care for you, and I'm thinking of you, and I'm excited for you, therefore I wish you less-stressful times as you deal with what will be one of the most stressful times in your life."

A similar sentiment, though one I do actually agree with, is "it'll all get done. Or it won't, and it won't matter, because at the end of the day you'll be married and that's what matters." I think that sentiment is much more useful (though if you're someone saying this, I'd appreciate if you'd be willing to tack on one more line: "what can I do to help?"). This reminds me to have another look at our wedding mission statement that we drew up 6 months ago, to inspire and calm us in times when we found ourselves mired in details: "Joining together our two lives, celebrating with our community of family and friends, and focusing on God, service, and social responsibility."

What does social responsibility look like for your wedding?

Okay fine, once again I'm including an alleged "FAQ" that no one's ever actually asked. But I want to answer it anyway, because these details are particularly important to me.

All our plates, cups, and flatwear are compostable, in order to bring us as close as possible to a no-trash wedding (and reduce water consumption from not having to wash dishes). Instead of a dance we will be hosting a service project to make sandwiches for people experiencing poverty and homelessness this winter. For decorations, we are borrowing as much as possible, and buying as little as possible (aka financial stewardship). We won't be using balloons because of their environmental impact, and for the ceremony we will ask our guests to pull up the program on their smartphones, to save on paper. We have chosen vendors who (to the best of our knowledge) are GLBTQ-friendly. And our caterer is a locally-owned restaurant on Lake Street, Abi's Cafe, whom I found after a news story months ago about the owner (Abi) going out of her way to hire a panhandler, rather than giving him a free hand-out. (and, their food is delicious - I highly recommend checking the cafe out if you're local!).

Lastly, though we do have a registry for tangible gifts, we are asking our guests to consider instead donating to one of the charitable organizations we support:

• One 2 One Mentoring
• Malala Fund
• Hope Academy
• Hope 4 Youth
• Union Gospel Mission

When and where will you be going on your honeymoon?

We'll be going to Europe (all of it, all the things!) in summer 2017. Exact details are TBD until after the wedding planning chaos has wrapped up, but if you have suggestions of sights to see (or not see) in Europe, please let us know! This is your invitation for offering unsolicited advice :)

What will the Ring Bear be wearing?

A baby tuxedo from Target. Mr Bear will be looking quite dapper.

Mr. and Mrs. Last Name

If you'll recall, I recently got engaged.

One of the conversations Alissa and I had rather early on in our relationship was about last names, and how, at so many weddings, I objected to the concluding phrase, "I now present, for the first time ever, Mr. and Mrs. His-First-Name His-Last-Name." I objected because the woman, who often was my friend or relative - aka the reason I was attending the wedding - had been reduced to the name of "Mrs." I recall attending a wedding with my friend Jessie, and when the "Mr. and Mrs." pronouncement was made we both groaned to each other, "and there it is."

Alissa saw my point, but stated in no uncertain terms that if we got married, she'd want to take my last name and be introduced as "Mr. and Mrs. Last-Name." Her reason was to form a new identity as a couple, separate from her former life as an individual. Frantically I explained to her that if I did that at my own wedding, Jessie would never forgive me! She retorted, "who would you rather have upset at you, your friend Jessie or your wife?"

Toss-up.

Fortunately, Alissa has since changed her opinion about taking my last name (she realized she actually likes her last name, and doesn't want to go through all the legal hassles of changing something she likes), and now plans on keeping her own, so I've managed to escape the trap! Jessie can be happy with me, as can Alissa.

Whew!

Have I?

Half my lifetime ago, history happened. Rather than write my personal story of that day, I think it's more important to ask some challenging questions:

If I call myself a follower of Jesus, the same Jesus who says "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you," have I truly lived that? Have I prayed for the hijackers who, 15 years ago, following the rhetoric of men who had twisted the peaceful message of Islam for their own destructive means, also lost their lives alongside their victims? Have I prayed for their families who, whether they perceive their loved ones joyfully as martyrs or mournfully as victims, have in both cases still lost someone they loved? Have I prayed for the thousands of victims who have died in the Middle East and elsewhere around the world as a result of my own country's acts of terroristic violence, air raids, invasions? Have I prayed for the leaders, followers, and families of ISIS? Have I written to my legislature asking for saner foreign policies that don't involve dropping bombs, which inevitably kill civilians, therefore inciting more fires of radicalism? Have I reached out to the Muslims in my local community to say, "you are welcome here. You, and Islam, are not my enemy"? Have I in fact done anything to help promote peace, understanding, camaraderie?

This is what's on my mind today.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens Sermon - Part of Jacob's Well's Godflix Series 2016

Each summer Jacob's Well does a series of sermons about movies (we call it "Godflix"), and this year I got to give a sermon about Star Wars!!! As an über-nerd who fell in love with Star Wars at a young age (and also fell in love with some fictional Star Wars characters, like Jaina Solo), having an opportunity to share some theological thoughts about the saga was an incredible honor. Thanks to Jacob's Well-er Nate who brought his camera to video me, and special thanks to Greg and Chris for brainstorming with me and helping me feel more confident that I had something worthwhile to say.

Wedding FAQs, June edition

Have you picked a date yet?

Yes! November 4, 2016

Jeremy, I noticed you're wearing a ring now; did you elope?

Nope, that's my engagement ring! I've long lamented in this country that women get to wear engagement rings and men don't, so I bought myself one and asked Alissa to give it to me.

If you're already wearing a ring, what will you use for your wedding band?

For both Alissa and me, our engagement rings will also serve as our wedding rings.

Is it true there's going to be a Ring Bear at the wedding?

It's true! We were hoping to dress up Alissa's younger brother in a bear costume, but that got veto'd, so instead we plan on having a Beanie Baby bear sitting up front, as our Ring Bear.

Jeremy, why are you so involved in wedding planning? Shouldn't Alissa be doing all that and just tell you when/where to show up?

Alissa and I have basically flip-flopped traditional gender roles when it comes to wedding planning - while she's still very involved, I've been taking the lead on much of it. This has in turn led to a fair number of conversations about making it "our" wedding vs "my" wedding, which we've mostly worked through.

Do you need any help?

If you have creative (and inexpensive) ideas how to decorate a gymnasium to look nice for a reception, then yes, please email me! Or, if you'd be available on November 3rd and morning of the 4th to help decorate said gymnasium, let us know, because we'd love to have your help.

What shenanigans will you get into for your bachelor party? Is there going to be a "Gus Bus"?

My Best Woman Marissa is in charge of planning all shenanigans for the bachelor party. All I've done is suggest that I love laser tag, and key lime pie. The rest is up to her!

Is your wedding going to be the best day of your life?

I certainly hope not. Our wedding day will be phenomenal, absolutely, but if it's the best day ever, then that means everything afterward is all down hill, and then that sure doesn't give me much to look forward to. I'm excited for our wedding day, and I'm also excited for the days of real life that come after it.

An assortment of recent thoughts

I've neglected my blog-writing time for the past few weeks, leaving me an eclectic assortment of thoughts I'd like to share tonight (writing night).

Alissa and I will be emailing out Save-Our-Date's soon! Yep: emailing. Part of our wedding mission statement talks about social responsibility, and for me, that includes: 1) not spending an excess of money on printing and postage, and 2) minimizing our use of paper, and the gasoline (and environmental impact) required to deliver it. Hence, the vast majority of Save-Our-Date's will be emailed, with paper going only to those very few who don't use email. (spoiler alert for those special few who read my blog: November 4, 2016).

"Hang on, Jeremy. Why are you calling them Save-Our-Date's instead of Save-The-Date's like normal people?" Ah, good question, dear Reader. That's because Save-The-Date's carry a rather unfortunate acronym, and since we don't want to be sending STDs to all our friends, we'll be sending everyone a SOD instead.

Incidentally, I've recently had my aging retaining wall removed from my front lawn, and went searching for sod last Friday before company arrived. Turns out Menards gets sod every Friday morning... except for last Friday, because reasons. After talking with four different employees, one of them discovered that, in fact, every other Menards was sold out, too, except one in Oakdale. Thus, sans enough time to find a Home Depot (rumored to be a powerful sod-dealer) I returned home Friday night, sodless.

Having nothing at all to do with sod, Ramadan began a week ago today. Last year at the start of Ramadan I was in Saudi Arabia, mere hours away from Mecca. Though I wasn't required to fast last year in Saudi (simply needed to avoid eating/drinking in public), I did choose to fast many/most days of Ramadan. True, I sort of cheated, because I didn't wake up before sunrise for breakfast, but after breakfast I would fast from food and drink until sundown. This year I decided to try it again on a day-by-day basis.

I discovered the days are longer in Minneapolis than at KAUST. While sunset there was usually around 7 o'clock, here it's been pushing 9 o'clock. So... my first day, I only made it about 12 hours ('til 7:30) before I needed to drink water to ward off my oncoming dehydration headache. After that, I decided for health reasons I would fast only from food, but not water/tea.

A few people have asked me, "Jeremy, you're Christian, why are you fasting for a Muslim holiday?" When I first heard Ramadan described to me by my eye doctor probably... 5 or 7 years ago, I learned it was not only a season of fasting from food and water, but also negative thoughts, anger, gossip, a cleansing of the mind as much as a physical exercise. Ever since, I've always thought that idea was beautiful. And so that's part of my answer. (anyone who's heard me go on a rant when I'm frustrated probably agrees I could use a good negativity-cleanse :)

The other part of my answer: just this year, I learned that the physical portion of Ramadan fasting is related to keeping in mind those who are experiencing hunger and don't have access to safe water or a stable food supply. What I choose to do with that, is pray throughout the day each time I feel hungry. I know I can end my own personal hunger very easily, and so my prayer is gratitude for that privilege, and also supplication for the many people living in poverty for whom "fasting" has never been a choice.

Today at work, a water main burst outside our building, and so from 10:50 a.m. onward we had no running water. Soon after it was discovered the air conditioning had also failed (I guess it's at least partially liquid-cooled). By 2 o'clock when I left for a doctor's appointment, my floor was mostly vacated - almost everyone had gone home to work from there. It made me grateful for the privilege we have of expecting running water, and air conditioning, and for that matter: constant electricity. These are things we take for granted. What an amazing privilege, that I think most people (often myself included) consider more of a "right" than "privilege."

Finally, I still feel feelings of sadness. The big news item this weekend was the shooting in Florida Sunday morning, and that's had plenty of press coverage. What I'm sad about is another shooting, also in Florida, that happened the day before (Friday night / Saturday morning), taking the life of musician and sister-in-Christ, Christina Grimmie. Truth be told I couldn't even tell you a title for one of her songs; all I can say is I happened upon her YouTube channel a few years ago, and was uplifted by her cheeriness and truly beautiful singing. She was 22. I'm sad that her news story has been buried by even more sadness. I'm sad that we, as human beings, have created tools meant only for the purpose of killing one another. I'm sad that this has become the new normal.

In the midst of this sadness, I've been re-listening to a song Alissa sent me many months ago, that sings of the miracles Jesus performed. For me, these are much-needed reminders of hope.

Struggling to love

In his last lecture, Randy Pausch posits that "the best gift an educator can give is to get somebody to become self reflective." That, combined with the wisdom my best friend Marissa has shared with me - "preach the sermon you yourself need to hear" - means tonight's blog post is more about what I need to learn, and my hope along the way is that someone else, whether you're friend, family, or a stranger on the Internet, will join me in my journey toward trying to have a little more understanding a little less judging. It's a journey on which I frequently stumble and trip and fall.

I am struggling to love. I am struggling to act like I believe I, as a Christ-follower, should. And I am struggling to have mercy and compassion and understanding toward those whom, in my hurt and broken judgement, I do not want to extend Grace.

In short: three of the past four weekends have each beaten me down emotionally, and quite severely. The details of each incident aren't that important, because I'd rather dwell on my response, than the hurt. (Also to be clear: this isn't about "oh poor me." This is about documenting my struggle, because while I wish I had it all figured out, I think it's more edifying to be honest.)

In each case, my natural desire was, and remains: lash out. I've been wronged, after all! Shouldn't I defend myself? Isn't that fair?

It probably is "fair" by most people's definitions. But it's not Jesus-like.

Last week at Upper Room, Stefan (our worship leader, who is preaching for a 4-sermon series this month) presented a beautiful sermon about violence. Not only physical violence; also emotional, sexual, economic (like sanctions against other countries), social, cultural, and psychological. And at the end he talked about what our response, as a Church, and as individual Christians, might look like. I think it's worth sharing:

• Recognize and confess our own violence.
• Seek to understand the violence of others instead of condemning it. There's a message they're trying to tell you. It's hard to condemn if you're honest about your own violence.
• Disrupt the law of necessity. When you put God in the mix, it changes the scenario. For example, we think work is going to give us fullness, and so the Christian response is Sabbath, which cuts off the lie of necessity. Everyone thinks money is going to give us freedom, and Christians instead give, to resist that lie of necessity. We need to do the same with violence.
• Absorb the violence we deserve and don't return it. The only way to stop the cycle is that it has to stop with someone. This is really hard. This is redemptive for the self.
• Absorb the violence we don't deserve. This is the picture of Jesus, of the cross. This is redemptive for the world. And the world won't be able to make sense of it. It's the most Christ-like thing we can engage in.

That last one on the list. Wow.

Less than a week after Stefan preached that, I would have the opportunity to put it into practice.

And let me tell you, it sucks.

It's going through withdrawal from an addiction I never realized I had: self-righteousness. Fighting against a deep-seated need to prove why I'm right, and the other person is wrong. Restraining myself every hour from the urge to whip out my phone and start drafting a scathing response.

In the end, my addiction to "rightness" was defeated only by God's grace, not my own strength. This frustrates me, because it makes me dependent (on God), and I don't like knowing I'm dependent. (though isn't that exactly what Christian doctrine teaches me I should be, even from the earliest stories in my book of scriptures?)

Even though I'd given myself a hard-pass on seeking reconciliation, God hadn't. I rarely invoke the "God Called me to such-and-such," because I think the words lose their power when over-used. This is one case, though, where I believe I can say God was tugging at my heart to seek peace. I can say that because, well, it didn't come from inside of me, and it certainly didn't come from my spiritual enemies, so that really leaves only one other source. With this intent in mind, last night at church I asked two separate prayer-warriors to pray over me, because I knew I didn't have strength to fight the devils whispering constant streams of anger into my mind.

While the final outcome is yet to be determined (both in terms of this specific relationship, and in general about my addiction to proving myself right), I can say that for last night, the prayers worked. I was able to collect my thoughts into a letter that turned out calm, thoughtful, compassionate, thankful, and also, sincerely apologetic for the wrongs I had committed. How the other person responds is well beyond my control. I only can control my own words and actions, and the choice to respond with love, rather than escalating violence.

I even got to share my story with a coworker today, too, and who knows the reaching effect that may have in his interactions with others?

Jacob's Well played this song a few weeks ago, and the lyrics have been resonating around my head ever since. It's well-worth a listen, if you need a few minutes' break from the day:

I used to think I needed all the answers.
I used to need to know that I was right
I used to be afraid of things I couldn't cover up in black and white.
But now I just want to look more like love..."

Jesus in McDonald's

A couple weeks ago I flew to visit a customer site. I had a bit of a drive from the airport, and after consuming a large quantity of juice and water I was feeling some pressure to give those liquids safe passage out of my body. And also I was hungry. It was getting late, and I didn't want to spend a lot of time at a fancier sit-down restaurant, so I made the next-most-responsible and healthy adult decision: McDonald's.

As I stood admiring the lists of tasty (and I'm sure healthy) food items, I observed a man and woman ahead of me in line, wearing bright red shirts with ginormous black lettering on both front and back proclaiming "JESUS SAVES". I eyed them up, wondering what flavor of ... well let's be honest the first word I thought of was "whackos"... Christians they might be. But the truth is that at the same time as I gawked, a feeling of peace descended upon me in that place.

I chose a table nearby them where I could casually observe (there's nothing creepy about that at all, right?), and what I saw every time I looked over were two people so incredibly joy-filled, that I was forced to start asking myself "what am I missing in my own faith? I want some of THAT!"

After consuming my probably-wasn't-that-healthy-for-me-after-all meal, and channeling my inner Elwood P. Dowd, I approached the red shirts, apologized for interrupting their conversation, and inquired, "I have to ask: obviously you're missionaries, what're you doing?" (blog text doesn't emote, so to clarify: this last clause was asked with a tone of genuine curiosity, not accusatorially).

Their names were Jerry and Cheryl, they had just married 6 months ago, and they felt God calling them to embark upon a weekend trip up into the city with nothing but their sleeping bags, to minister to the people they met in the community, and sleep under the stars like Jesus did in His ministry. That day already they'd witnessed to a dozen or more people (in English and in fluent Spanish!), many of whom experienced God in those moments and chose to embark on their own Christian journeys. That afternoon while visiting a yard sale, after the seller asked the story behind their shirts, she donated to them two hiking backpacks to carry their things. Jerry shared with me story after story of God's provision in their journey, and it reminded me of the verse about "take nothing for your journey, no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt." (citation: in the bible somewhere, in red text). I shared with them about my sense of peace in the restaurant, simply being near their presence. And Jerry gave me the Words he felt God speaking to him for me. We talked for probably half an hour or more. (and, living up to my Elwood P. Dowd aspirations, we ended with me saying "here, let me give you one of my cards...")

I consider our meeting a Divine appointment, a spiritually-uplifting encounter I hadn't realized how much I needed until afterward. And having had that encounter, I wish I carried an aura like Jerry and Cheryl do, one that brings peace to the people around me. (I could also describe my coworker Tom in this way, for he is the most serene man I've ever met; and I'm not just saying that because I know he reads my blog :) This is something I hope to improve on, because while perhaps some of the time I do [bring peace], I fear that too often I instead succumb to negativity, or at the least, intensity, which lends itself not toward peaceful and serene living. God, grant me grace, that I would be as full of You as were my brother and sister whom I met in a McDonald's two weeks ago.