3 years ago the Red Cross mistakenly tagged my donated blood as "inconclusive" for HepC, and they black-listed me from donating for life. Despite a letter from my doctor with clean test results, they refused to budge.
Every so often I called the Red Cross to ask (politely) if they'd gotten over themselves yet and would let me donate again. To my surprise, a few months ago the answer was "maybe" - they've finally created a donor-reinstatement program - so we scheduled an appointment to re-test my blood.
At the donor center, I was happy to find Beverly, my favorite bloodletter, still worked there; we got to catch up on the last three years while working through the paperwork and blood-sampling.
A couple weeks ago, the donor reinstatement lady who'd been helping me left me a voicemail: my results were clean, and I'd receive an official letter in the mail once their new computer system was up and running.
That letter arrived in this morning's mail, which means I’m officially re-instated! Heading over to www.redcrossblood.org/make-donation to schedule an appointment now. Maybe you'll join me?
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
eDiscord
This is post #8 in Where’s Jeremy (2013)
My friend Melanie and I made a pact that we would sign up for eHarmony on July 1st (after I had finished work on the online casting database I was developing [future blog post], and she had finished some of her own projects/soul-searching).
Signing up for eHarmony reminded me of my psych exams when I started pursuing Seminary last year: "on a scale of 1-8, how much does this word describe you?" and, "how important is this aspect in your relationship?" and the more classic, "how often do you drink/smoke/go to church/exercise/blah blah blah?"
Finally, at long last, after an hour of Q&A, I arrived on the final page. All right, let's do this! I clicked the giant "save my answers, show me my matches" button, and...
Excuse me?
Seriously? I just spent an entire hour filling out your questionnaire, and you won't even take my money?
Now, let's be clear: it's not like I limited my search parameters to "I'm only interested in blondes within a 5 block radius of my house who have green eyes and are exactly 5'7" tall" - I said I'd be open to meeting people in the United States, United Kingdom, Australia, and New Zealand (basically all the places with awesome accents). You're telling me that in FOUR ENTIRE countries you can't find a single person [pun intended] you think I could match with?
I wrote customer support to ask what red flags they'd spotted, and they replied with a completely non-helpful, generic answer. Even though I should have recognized it as a losing battle, I replied anyway. As I explained to them: I wanted to understand if they were rejecting me because of something transient (for example, my particular mood or emotions when I happened to fill out the profile), or something more core/substantive to who I am (for example, my faith, career, etc).
The reason this matters, is because I probably wasn't in the best mood that day, and therefore [I'm educated-guessing here] may have indicated some level of depression in my answers. Not only had I been working my butt off for the last four months on the casting database project, but also just a few days earlier one of my best friends was sentenced to nine years in prison. So, I will concede: my emotional state was dubious at best.
With that said, I'm also suspicious they thought I was goofing off, because at one point in my exam they accused me of answering questions too quickly and not taking it seriously. Hey, don't punish me because I'm a fast screen reader and mouse-clicker, okay?
Customer support replied with another generic, non-helpful "blah blah blah have a nice life." Whatever. I can laugh about it now.
In the mean time, I took eHarmony's rejection as an opportunity for self-examination. Let's say, for argument's sake, that they did spot something in my psyche that I should be addressing. With this in mind, I came to one realization, and one actionable task.
My realization was that the women I've typically been attracted to, seem themselves to be attracted to men who are more spiritually-conscious than I am. What do I mean by that. I mean, I see myself as having a lot of spiritual growing to do, to become closer with Jesus, to be more in tune with listening to the Holy Spirit's Call on my life, and not just my life in the grand sense, but in each tiny moment also. And let's also be clear: I'm not wanting to change myself for the sake of becoming what someone else wants me to be. I want to pursue this growth in myself for the sake of who I want me to be. Conveniently, my impression is this growth may come with the side-effect of making me more into the type of person that the people I'm attracted to, are attracted to in return. And even if it doesn't, I've still grown more in my relationship with God.
My actionable task, only somewhat related to the above, was to start going to therapy. I don't have depression, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have any major red flags that would call for therapy, so why would I want to do this, you ask? The simplest answer is: I go to my doctor regularly for physical checkups, I attend church regularly and have friends who help give me spiritual checkups, so pursuing mental checkups just makes sense. I've also heard very positive feedback from more than one friend about their therapy experiences - specifically, the way their therapists challenged them, or asked just the right questions to help lead their way of thinking about a problem. I knew I could benefit from that. So as long as the opportunity was there, I figured "why not?" I called up a delightful therapist named Beverly, recommended to me by one of my friends, and I've been visiting her since July.
Where does that leave me with eHarmony? At some point I think I will give it another go (when I'm for-sure in a good mood). I'll also adjust my answers toward what a normal, level-headed-Jeremy would say, and try to remove myself from whatever emotions I might be feeling right at that particular moment. I'll let you know how it goes. (or, hey, maybe I'll meet someone before then! Who knows?)
My friend Melanie and I made a pact that we would sign up for eHarmony on July 1st (after I had finished work on the online casting database I was developing [future blog post], and she had finished some of her own projects/soul-searching).
Signing up for eHarmony reminded me of my psych exams when I started pursuing Seminary last year: "on a scale of 1-8, how much does this word describe you?" and, "how important is this aspect in your relationship?" and the more classic, "how often do you drink/smoke/go to church/exercise/blah blah blah?"
Finally, at long last, after an hour of Q&A, I arrived on the final page. All right, let's do this! I clicked the giant "save my answers, show me my matches" button, and...
Excuse me?
Seriously? I just spent an entire hour filling out your questionnaire, and you won't even take my money?
Now, let's be clear: it's not like I limited my search parameters to "I'm only interested in blondes within a 5 block radius of my house who have green eyes and are exactly 5'7" tall" - I said I'd be open to meeting people in the United States, United Kingdom, Australia, and New Zealand (basically all the places with awesome accents). You're telling me that in FOUR ENTIRE countries you can't find a single person [pun intended] you think I could match with?
I wrote customer support to ask what red flags they'd spotted, and they replied with a completely non-helpful, generic answer. Even though I should have recognized it as a losing battle, I replied anyway. As I explained to them: I wanted to understand if they were rejecting me because of something transient (for example, my particular mood or emotions when I happened to fill out the profile), or something more core/substantive to who I am (for example, my faith, career, etc).
The reason this matters, is because I probably wasn't in the best mood that day, and therefore [I'm educated-guessing here] may have indicated some level of depression in my answers. Not only had I been working my butt off for the last four months on the casting database project, but also just a few days earlier one of my best friends was sentenced to nine years in prison. So, I will concede: my emotional state was dubious at best.
With that said, I'm also suspicious they thought I was goofing off, because at one point in my exam they accused me of answering questions too quickly and not taking it seriously. Hey, don't punish me because I'm a fast screen reader and mouse-clicker, okay?
Customer support replied with another generic, non-helpful "blah blah blah have a nice life." Whatever. I can laugh about it now.
In the mean time, I took eHarmony's rejection as an opportunity for self-examination. Let's say, for argument's sake, that they did spot something in my psyche that I should be addressing. With this in mind, I came to one realization, and one actionable task.
My realization was that the women I've typically been attracted to, seem themselves to be attracted to men who are more spiritually-conscious than I am. What do I mean by that. I mean, I see myself as having a lot of spiritual growing to do, to become closer with Jesus, to be more in tune with listening to the Holy Spirit's Call on my life, and not just my life in the grand sense, but in each tiny moment also. And let's also be clear: I'm not wanting to change myself for the sake of becoming what someone else wants me to be. I want to pursue this growth in myself for the sake of who I want me to be. Conveniently, my impression is this growth may come with the side-effect of making me more into the type of person that the people I'm attracted to, are attracted to in return. And even if it doesn't, I've still grown more in my relationship with God.
My actionable task, only somewhat related to the above, was to start going to therapy. I don't have depression, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have any major red flags that would call for therapy, so why would I want to do this, you ask? The simplest answer is: I go to my doctor regularly for physical checkups, I attend church regularly and have friends who help give me spiritual checkups, so pursuing mental checkups just makes sense. I've also heard very positive feedback from more than one friend about their therapy experiences - specifically, the way their therapists challenged them, or asked just the right questions to help lead their way of thinking about a problem. I knew I could benefit from that. So as long as the opportunity was there, I figured "why not?" I called up a delightful therapist named Beverly, recommended to me by one of my friends, and I've been visiting her since July.
Where does that leave me with eHarmony? At some point I think I will give it another go (when I'm for-sure in a good mood). I'll also adjust my answers toward what a normal, level-headed-Jeremy would say, and try to remove myself from whatever emotions I might be feeling right at that particular moment. I'll let you know how it goes. (or, hey, maybe I'll meet someone before then! Who knows?)
Monday, August 05, 2013
Goals - August 2013 revision
Since 2010, each summer I set out a list of goals / areas for self-improvement for myself for the coming year. Let's review how I've progressed since my February update on my 2012-2013 goals.
Set reasonable, achievable goals
Also, Stop stressing about how much I can't accomplish
A roller-coaster of success. In the smaller, day-to-day type things, I'd say I achieved this goal. However, as you'll read in a future blog post, I made some epic-scale miscalculations / poor decisions about time-management between March and June, that effectively revoke my earlier statement. Let's call this one a wash (for now).
Sub-goal: Punctuality
Still measurable success. My follow-on goal is to take a step further: aim for being early rather than just punctual. Aka, plan for bad traffic and other unexpected hold-ups.
Avoid procrastination
I'll get back to this one. Ha. Get it? No, actually, I'm doing decently. I mean, everyone procrastinates to some degree. I would argue that the majority of my procrastination has been of the form: "project A is not urgent, but project B is, therefore, I must post-pone my plans for project A and instead work on project B right now." My next step is to identify which of the "urgent" things are actually important. See Randy Pauch's lecture on time management for further explanation.
Focus on tasks that matter
Loaded question. Mmmm... Still sorting through the emotions on this one. See a future blog post about my casting database work from March - June. This again relates to Randy's time management lecture.
Focus on people that matter
This I have done.
Take one thing at a time
Constantly reminding myself, "just do this one thing, focus on this one thing", because otherwise I thrash. I'm working on how to reduce the "clutter" that induces thrashing, like having too many separate todo lists, or physical todo piles, etc.
Accept that I cannot solve every problem
The first couple weeks in July have done wonders in this area for me. Trying to keep it up.
Strive toward better anger management
Rocking this one. My friend John has been a great anger management counselor, and I'm doing much better at biting my tongue.
Move on from Minnehaha
As I wrote in my mid-year update, moving on has been a very natural progression. Emotionally, I needed that slow transition. In July, my successor successfully rolled the back-to-school forms database for the new school year, which was our last major "transition" hurdle. Additionally, I added an "I don't work here anymore" auto-reply to my Minnehaha email, and no longer check it regularly. I call this a healthy success.
Eat more healthfully
I'm trying. Also my doctor insisted I keep a food journal (as related to my Crohn's; he called me out on all my excuses, because, well, I have a smart phone that can take notes, so, I don't have any valid excuses). Tracking what I eat has actually made me more conscious about it. Sugar is still present, but I'll think twice because I know I need to journal it.
Take responsibility for my own actions
I haven't consciously thought about this one in a long time. I'm definitely getting better at admitting fault, which is related (though not the original intent of this goal). Yes, I'd say I'm owning my responsibility.
Sub-goal: be discerning about whose opinions I let matter
Still succeeding. And still work to be done (always :)
Second sub-goal: find my value in the Lord; aka, be myself, and do so unashamedly
Over the past month I've been pushing hard on the first half. For years I have defined myself by the measure of my job / career, income, number of friends, relationship status, number of blood donations, the movie projects I've worked on, and so on. That is not how God sees me. And therefore it is not how I want to see and define myself, because each of those status symbols is transient: I could lose any of them at any moment. I saw this happen to one of my best friends a year and a half ago: he lost his career, his business, and most of his "friends" (fair-weather friends, and let's be honest, I'm judging pretty harshly). Point being: I am forced to acknowledge that I do not completely control my life. Therefore, I so strongly desire to find my value in something eternal, which is what Jesus / God offers me. That cannot be taken away by life's happenstances.
Regarding the "be myself": I only know how to be myself, so I desire to worry less about what other people are seeing and respond with simply: "This is me. Deal with it."
Spend time with God
Overall success. Pushing myself to do even better. I've committed myself to making it to at least one of my churches each week (I'm part of both Jacob's Well and Upper Room). Interesting story: on my way home from Iowa a few Sundays ago, my car stopped wanting to accelerate (broken O2 sensor) - I did make it home okay, but then didn't want to risk taking the car out that evening. I told my parents I was just going to stay home, but they knew I'd come home early specifically so I could go to my evening church service, and so they offered that I could borrow their car. Had that not worked out, my friend Joe also offered to make a special trip to pick me up in between services. Read whatever you will into the story. I read it as God affirming my longing to spend time with Him. (masculine pronoun for convenience only)
Continue maintaining a healthful life/work balance
Absolute fail March - June. Success otherwise.
Take more risks
Yes. As specifically relates to the fear of failure of asking someone out, I've done well at getting over myself. (still single and looking, though).
Don't ever settle
Continuing to do this one too well. Spending 3 - 4 hours looking for the perfect fold-up lawn chair, for example, may not have been the best use of my time. Four stores later, I ended up going back to the first store and one of the first chairs I looked at. However, I definitely feel I did not settle :)
Take a vacation
I've visited friends in Iowa a couple times, and have plans scheduled to visit friends in Los Angeles later this year. I do still need to get better at taking time for me, though.
Mini-vacations also count, I think. There was a moment on the 4th of July, I was with a group of friends sitting out on the grass relaxing, when someone asked what time it was. I realized: I didn't have my phone on me (it was in a bag a few dozen feet away), I didn't know what time it was, I wasn't connected to the world, and that was okay. You might call this "living in the moment". I desire more moments like that.
Always speak my heart
I'm going to re-frame this one, to not only speak my heart, but continue getting better at speaking what I hear God asking me to say.
For 2013-2014, I continue to hold all the above goals, and I'm adding a few more:
Let go of some grudges
Years later, there are still grudges I hold in my heart, that I need to let go. Specifically: several "friends" who took advantage of me financially, certain past and present Minnehaha employees with whom I butted heads, a former pastor, and the list probably goes on. I really need to get over this.
Gossip less
Years ago, my co-worker Cathleen commented to me her respect that I didn't gossip around the workplace (something like that; I lack an eidetic memory). This has stuck with me, and weighed heavily the last few years as I've found it less and less true anymore. I suppose one might argue that there are different types of gossip, some more or less harmful than others, but for once, I'm not interested in the semantics.
Being where I should be
Earlier this summer, while I was at a friend's going-away get-together, another group of friends repeatedly texted asking why I wasn't hanging out with them at Merlin's (our go-to restaurant/pub). I replied that "I'm where I need to be right now", and would join them later. In this case the decision was easy: because my friend would soon be facing sentencing, and we didn't know how long he would be going away, there was no question that I was where I should be. Granted, punctuality is another goal of mine, but there are times when you need to drop everything and simply "be" with a person; my goal is to continue that discernment, to know in-the-moment where I am supposed to be, and live it out.
Know thyself
I desire to know myself even better than I do now, and, more specifically: to understand my motivations. At any given moment, why am I feeling what I'm feeling? If I'm elated, is it because I'm finding value in something eternal or transient? If I'm depressed, is it because, despite what I might have tried to tell myself, I set unrealistic expectations and was let down?
Recognize when there is no one "right" choice
Wild guess: most choices aren't between "right" and "wrong", but between "right" and "right". And that is okay. My goal is to be more comfortable in that lack of a dichotomy.
Thus concludes my list of goals for 2013 - 2014.
Set reasonable, achievable goals
Also, Stop stressing about how much I can't accomplish
A roller-coaster of success. In the smaller, day-to-day type things, I'd say I achieved this goal. However, as you'll read in a future blog post, I made some epic-scale miscalculations / poor decisions about time-management between March and June, that effectively revoke my earlier statement. Let's call this one a wash (for now).
Sub-goal: Punctuality
Still measurable success. My follow-on goal is to take a step further: aim for being early rather than just punctual. Aka, plan for bad traffic and other unexpected hold-ups.
Avoid procrastination
I'll get back to this one. Ha. Get it? No, actually, I'm doing decently. I mean, everyone procrastinates to some degree. I would argue that the majority of my procrastination has been of the form: "project A is not urgent, but project B is, therefore, I must post-pone my plans for project A and instead work on project B right now." My next step is to identify which of the "urgent" things are actually important. See Randy Pauch's lecture on time management for further explanation.
Focus on tasks that matter
Loaded question. Mmmm... Still sorting through the emotions on this one. See a future blog post about my casting database work from March - June. This again relates to Randy's time management lecture.
Focus on people that matter
This I have done.
Take one thing at a time
Constantly reminding myself, "just do this one thing, focus on this one thing", because otherwise I thrash. I'm working on how to reduce the "clutter" that induces thrashing, like having too many separate todo lists, or physical todo piles, etc.
Accept that I cannot solve every problem
The first couple weeks in July have done wonders in this area for me. Trying to keep it up.
Strive toward better anger management
Rocking this one. My friend John has been a great anger management counselor, and I'm doing much better at biting my tongue.
Move on from Minnehaha
As I wrote in my mid-year update, moving on has been a very natural progression. Emotionally, I needed that slow transition. In July, my successor successfully rolled the back-to-school forms database for the new school year, which was our last major "transition" hurdle. Additionally, I added an "I don't work here anymore" auto-reply to my Minnehaha email, and no longer check it regularly. I call this a healthy success.
Eat more healthfully
I'm trying. Also my doctor insisted I keep a food journal (as related to my Crohn's; he called me out on all my excuses, because, well, I have a smart phone that can take notes, so, I don't have any valid excuses). Tracking what I eat has actually made me more conscious about it. Sugar is still present, but I'll think twice because I know I need to journal it.
Take responsibility for my own actions
I haven't consciously thought about this one in a long time. I'm definitely getting better at admitting fault, which is related (though not the original intent of this goal). Yes, I'd say I'm owning my responsibility.
Sub-goal: be discerning about whose opinions I let matter
Still succeeding. And still work to be done (always :)
Second sub-goal: find my value in the Lord; aka, be myself, and do so unashamedly
Over the past month I've been pushing hard on the first half. For years I have defined myself by the measure of my job / career, income, number of friends, relationship status, number of blood donations, the movie projects I've worked on, and so on. That is not how God sees me. And therefore it is not how I want to see and define myself, because each of those status symbols is transient: I could lose any of them at any moment. I saw this happen to one of my best friends a year and a half ago: he lost his career, his business, and most of his "friends" (fair-weather friends, and let's be honest, I'm judging pretty harshly). Point being: I am forced to acknowledge that I do not completely control my life. Therefore, I so strongly desire to find my value in something eternal, which is what Jesus / God offers me. That cannot be taken away by life's happenstances.
Regarding the "be myself": I only know how to be myself, so I desire to worry less about what other people are seeing and respond with simply: "This is me. Deal with it."
Spend time with God
Overall success. Pushing myself to do even better. I've committed myself to making it to at least one of my churches each week (I'm part of both Jacob's Well and Upper Room). Interesting story: on my way home from Iowa a few Sundays ago, my car stopped wanting to accelerate (broken O2 sensor) - I did make it home okay, but then didn't want to risk taking the car out that evening. I told my parents I was just going to stay home, but they knew I'd come home early specifically so I could go to my evening church service, and so they offered that I could borrow their car. Had that not worked out, my friend Joe also offered to make a special trip to pick me up in between services. Read whatever you will into the story. I read it as God affirming my longing to spend time with Him. (masculine pronoun for convenience only)
Continue maintaining a healthful life/work balance
Absolute fail March - June. Success otherwise.
Take more risks
Yes. As specifically relates to the fear of failure of asking someone out, I've done well at getting over myself. (still single and looking, though).
Don't ever settle
Continuing to do this one too well. Spending 3 - 4 hours looking for the perfect fold-up lawn chair, for example, may not have been the best use of my time. Four stores later, I ended up going back to the first store and one of the first chairs I looked at. However, I definitely feel I did not settle :)
Take a vacation
I've visited friends in Iowa a couple times, and have plans scheduled to visit friends in Los Angeles later this year. I do still need to get better at taking time for me, though.
Mini-vacations also count, I think. There was a moment on the 4th of July, I was with a group of friends sitting out on the grass relaxing, when someone asked what time it was. I realized: I didn't have my phone on me (it was in a bag a few dozen feet away), I didn't know what time it was, I wasn't connected to the world, and that was okay. You might call this "living in the moment". I desire more moments like that.
Always speak my heart
I'm going to re-frame this one, to not only speak my heart, but continue getting better at speaking what I hear God asking me to say.
For 2013-2014, I continue to hold all the above goals, and I'm adding a few more:
Let go of some grudges
Years later, there are still grudges I hold in my heart, that I need to let go. Specifically: several "friends" who took advantage of me financially, certain past and present Minnehaha employees with whom I butted heads, a former pastor, and the list probably goes on. I really need to get over this.
Gossip less
Years ago, my co-worker Cathleen commented to me her respect that I didn't gossip around the workplace (something like that; I lack an eidetic memory). This has stuck with me, and weighed heavily the last few years as I've found it less and less true anymore. I suppose one might argue that there are different types of gossip, some more or less harmful than others, but for once, I'm not interested in the semantics.
Being where I should be
Earlier this summer, while I was at a friend's going-away get-together, another group of friends repeatedly texted asking why I wasn't hanging out with them at Merlin's (our go-to restaurant/pub). I replied that "I'm where I need to be right now", and would join them later. In this case the decision was easy: because my friend would soon be facing sentencing, and we didn't know how long he would be going away, there was no question that I was where I should be. Granted, punctuality is another goal of mine, but there are times when you need to drop everything and simply "be" with a person; my goal is to continue that discernment, to know in-the-moment where I am supposed to be, and live it out.
Know thyself
I desire to know myself even better than I do now, and, more specifically: to understand my motivations. At any given moment, why am I feeling what I'm feeling? If I'm elated, is it because I'm finding value in something eternal or transient? If I'm depressed, is it because, despite what I might have tried to tell myself, I set unrealistic expectations and was let down?
Recognize when there is no one "right" choice
Wild guess: most choices aren't between "right" and "wrong", but between "right" and "right". And that is okay. My goal is to be more comfortable in that lack of a dichotomy.
Thus concludes my list of goals for 2013 - 2014.
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Cray Re-org (aka, Jeremy freaks out with change)
Friday morning, February 8, my manager called a last-minute meeting with me and some other coworkers. Ruh-roh.
Short version: Cray re-organized the people under my boss's boss['s boss?]: teams shifted, people moved to different managers, managers moved to different directors... and I was moved away from the sysadmin group. where I spent the majority of my work time, to 100% in the batch / workload manager group, where I previously spent only a quarter (maybe a third?) of my time. Mysteriously, my manager has always been under the impression that I spend most of my time in batch / WLM, but, that never actually has been reality.
Now the obvious good news is: no lay-offs. As one of my friends put it, oftentimes "re-org" is a diplomatic way of throwing people off the Titanic before it hits the iceberg.
Yet I was distraught. Even though I still had/have my job, it's completely changed. The skills I spent 10 months learning, largely are no longer applicable. After 10 months, I felt like I was finally getting the hang of things, and even working on bugs and contributing [small amounts of] source code. My world was turned topsy-turvy, and so my gut reactions were panic and frustration.
In my new group, I do no system administration at all. This is unfortunate, because I enjoyed that work (and, again, because I finally felt like I had a handle on things). Instead I'm supposed to be work more on batch related software integration and testing, which... is fine... but... change scares me. Honestly it's the fear of failure that terrifies me. There were mumblings that I'd be writing code in the new group, where everything's written in C, a language I haven't touched since 2006 or 7. It's not that I can't re-learn it, that's not the issue. It's that I've spent almost a year learning something else - why not leverage that?
After panicking, I set about considering how to fight change. I asked my [former] team lead, "got any openings for a contractor in your new group?" She laughed and identified with me - in addition to losing me, she lost two other [much smarter than I am] people from the group, and the whole change was a surprise to her as well.
On the other hand. My friend Ben (college roommate, who's worked at Cray for years) pointed out: it's not often a company will pay for your time to learn a new skill - if they want me coding in C, and are willing to bring me up to speed, well, that's not a bad thing. Also, unless I know for sure that development isn't what I want to do, there's not much reason to fight it.
Okay, with a month's perspective on this: at the get-go I heard I'd be working on some important up and coming project related to one of out batch vendors. Well, it's been a month, and I've yet to hear anything about that. So while I'm not exactly twiddling my thumbs, I definitely have spare cycles. Which is frustrating, when I know my old group is still understaffed. I've approached my manager and asked him for more work; I think he's asking around to see what can get added to my plate, but this is really, really frustrating: why was he so adamant I not continue in the old group for a transition period (again, when they're so understaffed), when he doesn't even have anything for me to be doing? Doesn't seem like the best use of resources. Also not the first time we've been down this road, but at least in the past, I had my team lead who could give me direction and projects. Now she's in that other group :(
One month later, and I'm still angsty. However, my manager did say he was trying to get me hired full time, so right now I'm just biding my time and waiting to see what'll happen. (you need to understand how huge this is - coworker after coworker has said how they hope the company will hire me as a real employee, but last week was the first time I heard my manager actually express his intent for that!)
Perspective: these are first-world problems, and I acknowledge that. However, they are still real problems, and I'm tired of telling myself that my problems aren't big enough or third-world enough to be legitimate.
Short version: Cray re-organized the people under my boss's boss['s boss?]: teams shifted, people moved to different managers, managers moved to different directors... and I was moved away from the sysadmin group. where I spent the majority of my work time, to 100% in the batch / workload manager group, where I previously spent only a quarter (maybe a third?) of my time. Mysteriously, my manager has always been under the impression that I spend most of my time in batch / WLM, but, that never actually has been reality.
Now the obvious good news is: no lay-offs. As one of my friends put it, oftentimes "re-org" is a diplomatic way of throwing people off the Titanic before it hits the iceberg.
Yet I was distraught. Even though I still had/have my job, it's completely changed. The skills I spent 10 months learning, largely are no longer applicable. After 10 months, I felt like I was finally getting the hang of things, and even working on bugs and contributing [small amounts of] source code. My world was turned topsy-turvy, and so my gut reactions were panic and frustration.
In my new group, I do no system administration at all. This is unfortunate, because I enjoyed that work (and, again, because I finally felt like I had a handle on things). Instead I'm supposed to be work more on batch related software integration and testing, which... is fine... but... change scares me. Honestly it's the fear of failure that terrifies me. There were mumblings that I'd be writing code in the new group, where everything's written in C, a language I haven't touched since 2006 or 7. It's not that I can't re-learn it, that's not the issue. It's that I've spent almost a year learning something else - why not leverage that?
After panicking, I set about considering how to fight change. I asked my [former] team lead, "got any openings for a contractor in your new group?" She laughed and identified with me - in addition to losing me, she lost two other [much smarter than I am] people from the group, and the whole change was a surprise to her as well.
On the other hand. My friend Ben (college roommate, who's worked at Cray for years) pointed out: it's not often a company will pay for your time to learn a new skill - if they want me coding in C, and are willing to bring me up to speed, well, that's not a bad thing. Also, unless I know for sure that development isn't what I want to do, there's not much reason to fight it.
Okay, with a month's perspective on this: at the get-go I heard I'd be working on some important up and coming project related to one of out batch vendors. Well, it's been a month, and I've yet to hear anything about that. So while I'm not exactly twiddling my thumbs, I definitely have spare cycles. Which is frustrating, when I know my old group is still understaffed. I've approached my manager and asked him for more work; I think he's asking around to see what can get added to my plate, but this is really, really frustrating: why was he so adamant I not continue in the old group for a transition period (again, when they're so understaffed), when he doesn't even have anything for me to be doing? Doesn't seem like the best use of resources. Also not the first time we've been down this road, but at least in the past, I had my team lead who could give me direction and projects. Now she's in that other group :(
One month later, and I'm still angsty. However, my manager did say he was trying to get me hired full time, so right now I'm just biding my time and waiting to see what'll happen. (you need to understand how huge this is - coworker after coworker has said how they hope the company will hire me as a real employee, but last week was the first time I heard my manager actually express his intent for that!)
Perspective: these are first-world problems, and I acknowledge that. However, they are still real problems, and I'm tired of telling myself that my problems aren't big enough or third-world enough to be legitimate.
Saturday, February 09, 2013
Perspective
There's a crazy retired guy from my church named Darrell. But when I say "crazy," I mean that truly in a loving, awe-filled, I-respect-this-man-beyond-words-for-his-radical-ideas kind of way. I'm not saying he's Jesus, but, I think he and Jesus have a lot in common. They both like serving people. They both like challenging the status quo. They both like skipping the small talk, and diving right into the deep stuff. And they both balk at religion.
These are my kind of people.
I don't remember how I met Darrell or how I got onto his "Salt Shakers" email list, but a year or two ago I started getting these mass emails from him, asking for volunteers to serve food to the homeless. Beneath each plea was also a [long] paragraph or two of Darrell's recent thoughts about church/religion/living out faith. At first I thought, "what a weirdo!" Then, as I read more and more of his "crazy thoughts" (his own description), they grew on me. In fact, I started really looking forward to Darrell's writing, to the point that I'd drop everything I was doing to read his emails when they popped into my inbox. I knew his words would inspire me. I knew this one email, out of the hundreds of emails I would read in the day, carried with it the potential to change the way I encounter my world.
Monday morning this past week Darrell and I met for coffee and conversation, and I finally made a commitment to help at one of his monthly food-serving things. It's long been a[n overly romanticized] dream of mine to serve at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving; an otherwise boring and routine Thursday night in February isn't exactly Thanksgiving, but close enough. I've put this off long enough.
My week leading up to Thursday had been very stressful. The contractor at the desk next to mine was let go on Tuesday, and this sent me into an unwarranted minor panic attack about my own job security. (I say unwarranted, because I asked my boss if I needed to be worried, and he said "no") My "todo" list at work keeps growing - no chance of being bored anytime soon - and that got me stressing out with worry (though again, unwarranted - my coworker Wendy reassured me I had my priorities set correctly and was exceeding their expectations). And the casting company was hired to book some extras for a commercial next week, as well as host auditions, and then the online software had a major bug and things weren't working and the friend I was going to hire to help with booking people got sick so I had to do ALL THE THINGS myself and did I mention I'm terrified of failure and disappointing people?
Breathing.
By Thursday evening I was frazzled, albeit on the mend, but still, frazzled.
Time for a perspective check.
Darrell had gathered a dozen or so people to help, and for most of us this was our first time serving. We gloved up, put on some adorable hairnets and plastic aprons (hint: "adorable" in this context means "not actually all that attractive"), and then the doors opened and I found myself scooping hot dish onto trays and giving them to the homeless people walking by on the other side of the serving table.
To be cliché, I feel like I got more out of the experience than I gave. Let's see: my biggest problems are that I'm over-employed, have an active social life, and ... why exactly was I complaining again? It's hard to pay attention to my own first-world, upper-class problems, while looking into the eyes of a man, woman, or child, who will be sleeping in a shelter tonight.
My calming change in perspective may have been short lived (blog post coming soon about the emotional turmoil of Friday), but for that short period of time, I felt much more at ease with my "issues." I told Darrell to count me in for next time.
These are my kind of people.
I don't remember how I met Darrell or how I got onto his "Salt Shakers" email list, but a year or two ago I started getting these mass emails from him, asking for volunteers to serve food to the homeless. Beneath each plea was also a [long] paragraph or two of Darrell's recent thoughts about church/religion/living out faith. At first I thought, "what a weirdo!" Then, as I read more and more of his "crazy thoughts" (his own description), they grew on me. In fact, I started really looking forward to Darrell's writing, to the point that I'd drop everything I was doing to read his emails when they popped into my inbox. I knew his words would inspire me. I knew this one email, out of the hundreds of emails I would read in the day, carried with it the potential to change the way I encounter my world.
Monday morning this past week Darrell and I met for coffee and conversation, and I finally made a commitment to help at one of his monthly food-serving things. It's long been a[n overly romanticized] dream of mine to serve at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving; an otherwise boring and routine Thursday night in February isn't exactly Thanksgiving, but close enough. I've put this off long enough.
My week leading up to Thursday had been very stressful. The contractor at the desk next to mine was let go on Tuesday, and this sent me into an unwarranted minor panic attack about my own job security. (I say unwarranted, because I asked my boss if I needed to be worried, and he said "no") My "todo" list at work keeps growing - no chance of being bored anytime soon - and that got me stressing out with worry (though again, unwarranted - my coworker Wendy reassured me I had my priorities set correctly and was exceeding their expectations). And the casting company was hired to book some extras for a commercial next week, as well as host auditions, and then the online software had a major bug and things weren't working and the friend I was going to hire to help with booking people got sick so I had to do ALL THE THINGS myself and did I mention I'm terrified of failure and disappointing people?
Breathing.
By Thursday evening I was frazzled, albeit on the mend, but still, frazzled.
Time for a perspective check.
Darrell had gathered a dozen or so people to help, and for most of us this was our first time serving. We gloved up, put on some adorable hairnets and plastic aprons (hint: "adorable" in this context means "not actually all that attractive"), and then the doors opened and I found myself scooping hot dish onto trays and giving them to the homeless people walking by on the other side of the serving table.
To be cliché, I feel like I got more out of the experience than I gave. Let's see: my biggest problems are that I'm over-employed, have an active social life, and ... why exactly was I complaining again? It's hard to pay attention to my own first-world, upper-class problems, while looking into the eyes of a man, woman, or child, who will be sleeping in a shelter tonight.
My calming change in perspective may have been short lived (blog post coming soon about the emotional turmoil of Friday), but for that short period of time, I felt much more at ease with my "issues." I told Darrell to count me in for next time.
Monday, February 04, 2013
Goals update for 2012-2013
Last October I set a[n ironic] goal for myself of setting "reasonable, achievable goals." Let's see how I'm doing:
Set reasonable, achievable goals
Also, Stop stressing about how much I can't accomplish
Measurable success. I'm still overly-optimistic in my list-making, but I actively give myself grace, by accepting my daily list of tasks is not a "must get done" list, but rather a smorgasbord of things I could during my day. As former coworker Keith frequently reminded me, "if it gets done, it gets done."
Sub-goal: Punctuality
Measurable success. Still a ways to go, but making headway towards leaving and arriving on time!
Avoid procrastination
Measurable success. I love when I get into a "get things done" mood, such a natural high.
Focus on tasks that matter
Marginal success; I still have a hard time saying "no."
Focus on people that matter
Measurable success. I need to become even more discerning, but feel I've done pretty well allocating time thus far.
Take one thing at a time
Success. The multi-tasking I do choose to do, I'm able to handle, and the moment it becomes too much, I back off and remind myself "just do this one thing."
Accept that I cannot solve every problem
Lies!
Okay. I'm trying.
Marginal success.
Strive toward better anger management
Mostly successful. I still catch myself writing an exasperated Facebook comment every now and then, but when it comes to "stupid people emails," I'm rocking it. One time John (my friend who volunteered himself as my anger-management mentor) even said there's nothing he would change from what I'd written!
Move on from Minnehaha
Marginal success. Overall it's been a natural progression - Cray is taking most of my time, so there's not a whole lot left of me to give to MA. I still miss the half of my job that I loved (building cool web tools and scripts), and I suppose I will miss that for a while.
Eat more healthfully
Sure.
I mean, marginal to measurable success. I'm cutting down on the sweets, let's call that forward progress.
Take responsibility for my own actions
Owning it. Success.
Sub-goal: be discerning about whose opinions I let matter
Success.
Second sub-goal: find my value in the Lord; aka, be myself, and do so unashamedly.
Fail on the first half, success on the second half. I am definitely more comfortable in my own skin, I'm owning my beliefs, I'm owning my actions. At the same time, I continue to judge my self-worth based on the wrong metrics (job, relationship status, cool things I've done, number of friends, etc). That needs to change.
Spend time with God
Success at first, fail in recent weeks.
Continue maintaining a healthful life/work balance
Success at first, fail in recent weeks. This is my highest priority to change.
Take more risks
Mostly success. I just started ComedySportz's intro level improv class, and that is pushing me to stretch myself in the risk-taking arena.
Don't ever settle
Success. If anything, I might be doing this one too well.
I'd like to add two goals to this list:
Take a vacation!
Self-explanatory :)
Always speak my heart
The most obvious example is not waiting to tell someone how you feel about them (specifically I have in mind ἔρως or φιλία). A less obvious example might mean standing up for what I know in my heart to be true, whether that's about God's love, stopping the spread of gossip, words of encouragement, or something else completely - I'm rather bad at coming up with examples.
Set reasonable, achievable goals
Also, Stop stressing about how much I can't accomplish
Measurable success. I'm still overly-optimistic in my list-making, but I actively give myself grace, by accepting my daily list of tasks is not a "must get done" list, but rather a smorgasbord of things I could during my day. As former coworker Keith frequently reminded me, "if it gets done, it gets done."
Sub-goal: Punctuality
Measurable success. Still a ways to go, but making headway towards leaving and arriving on time!
Avoid procrastination
Measurable success. I love when I get into a "get things done" mood, such a natural high.
Focus on tasks that matter
Marginal success; I still have a hard time saying "no."
Focus on people that matter
Measurable success. I need to become even more discerning, but feel I've done pretty well allocating time thus far.
Take one thing at a time
Success. The multi-tasking I do choose to do, I'm able to handle, and the moment it becomes too much, I back off and remind myself "just do this one thing."
Accept that I cannot solve every problem
Lies!
Okay. I'm trying.
Marginal success.
Strive toward better anger management
Mostly successful. I still catch myself writing an exasperated Facebook comment every now and then, but when it comes to "stupid people emails," I'm rocking it. One time John (my friend who volunteered himself as my anger-management mentor) even said there's nothing he would change from what I'd written!
Move on from Minnehaha
Marginal success. Overall it's been a natural progression - Cray is taking most of my time, so there's not a whole lot left of me to give to MA. I still miss the half of my job that I loved (building cool web tools and scripts), and I suppose I will miss that for a while.
Eat more healthfully
Sure.
I mean, marginal to measurable success. I'm cutting down on the sweets, let's call that forward progress.
Take responsibility for my own actions
Owning it. Success.
Sub-goal: be discerning about whose opinions I let matter
Success.
Second sub-goal: find my value in the Lord; aka, be myself, and do so unashamedly.
Fail on the first half, success on the second half. I am definitely more comfortable in my own skin, I'm owning my beliefs, I'm owning my actions. At the same time, I continue to judge my self-worth based on the wrong metrics (job, relationship status, cool things I've done, number of friends, etc). That needs to change.
Spend time with God
Success at first, fail in recent weeks.
Continue maintaining a healthful life/work balance
Success at first, fail in recent weeks. This is my highest priority to change.
Take more risks
Mostly success. I just started ComedySportz's intro level improv class, and that is pushing me to stretch myself in the risk-taking arena.
Don't ever settle
Success. If anything, I might be doing this one too well.
I'd like to add two goals to this list:
Take a vacation!
Self-explanatory :)
Always speak my heart
The most obvious example is not waiting to tell someone how you feel about them (specifically I have in mind ἔρως or φιλία). A less obvious example might mean standing up for what I know in my heart to be true, whether that's about God's love, stopping the spread of gossip, words of encouragement, or something else completely - I'm rather bad at coming up with examples.
Friday, January 25, 2013
More open honesty: You've [almost] been served
Call me Elphaba, because unfortunately this makes two stories in a row following the theme "no good deed goes unpunished." Even more unfortunately, while today's subject matter is practically the same as my previous novella, it concerns another "friend" who has taken advantage of me.
First, the backstory:
In 2011, two acquaintances from my small group at church (a husband and wife, whom I will call "H" and "W" for the sake of at least some anonymity), were fighting a court battle to retain custody of their daughter; while the details of the case are public record, they are not relevant to this discussion. Through a combination of grapevines and little birdies, I had heard that "H" and "W" needed a significant amount of cash to pay their lawyer, some of which they'd be able to borrow from their parents, and the other part, they didn't know where they'd be able to scrounge it.
Though I couldn't express myself with big fancy words when I was younger, since childhood I have held to this cockamamy notion that those who are capable of making the world a little less unfair, also carry the moral obligation to do so. This deep-seated belief informs who I am as a person. It goes beyond an Hippocratic oath of "do no harm," and instead says, "do good where you can." I'm no saint, and I'm under no illusions about that: I am not guiltless, I've transgressed my fair share against my fellow humans. But in the case of "H" and "W", I knew I had the capability of helping, and therefore, I felt, how could I not?
I called "W" and offered to loan her and "H" what amounted to my entire savings, so they could pay their lawyer. There is a deeper significance here, that until now, I've only told one other person: by offering "H" and "W" this loan, I sacrificed my own plans of moving to Los Angeles, at least for the time. I had been saving and dreaming and longing to move, and I knew that depleting my savings would erase any possibility of that for a long time. And though it tore at my heart, I chose to do so anyway, because I wanted to do Good.
Disclaimer: like in my previous post, I'm not writing this to garner a pity party. Once again, I neither need nor desire pity. The situation is what it is, we can't change the past, etc. I'm choosing to share that part of the story because the whole point of this blog post is complete, open honesty.
Disclaimer the Second: me not moving to LA at the time, is a good thing. Realistically, I'm still not ready emotionally, so having the option wrested from me (albeit by my own choices) is not something I regret.
Continuing. "W" insisted that she and "H" sign a repayment agreement. I didn't think it necessary at the time; especially because these were acquaintances from church, I never suspected that repayment would ever be an issue. But we agreed to some terms and signed the paperwork. The first two payments showed up on time, even exceeding our agreed-upon amount, and then after that everything went to hell.
Long story short, "H" was found guilty, the couple permanently lost custody of their daughter, and "W" divorced "H" and moved back home, out of state. Sucky situation all around.
At this point, the repayment checks stopped coming, and I didn't complain, because obviously they had more important things to worry about right then.
"H" finished serving his time in the workhouse, and began trying to re-build his life. "W" stopped replying to me altogether. This sets the stage for how I've regarded each of them since then.
It's not my job to judge whether "H" was or was not guilty - that was up to the court. My job was (and is) simply to be his friend. I admired that he completely owned his situation: there was no animosity toward the judge or the justice system, no visible anger toward the prosecution, etc. I mean, I would have been pissed if my life had been ruined like that.
In January 2012, I sent the following email to "H" and "W":
"H" replied in under 12 hours, and over the following months continued to keep me in the loop about his job search, applications, interviews, etc. It wasn't going well, but I could tell he was trying. Every so often we'd get together for burgers, and more than once he tried to hand me a $20 bill, saying "this is all I have, but I want you to take it, because I know I owe you a lot more." I'd reject the offer, because I knew he had more important debts to pay than me; $20 one way or the other won't break the bank for me, but I knew for him it might make the difference between eating or skipping a meal. But the most important part, for me, is that he was trying, and he was communicating.
The thought has occurred to me that I've been proven a terrible judge of character more than once; maybe "H" is just giving me a sob story and I'm eating it up. But I don't believe that to be the case. I think he's human and has made mistakes and has to pay for them, but I don't believe he's deliberately trying to take advantage of me. (Dear God, please don't let me be wrong)
In April, still having no reply from "W", I emailed both parties again; once again, "H" wrote back promptly, "W" never did, and so in July, I texted "W" the following:
This time, she replied!
I replied, reiterating that the communication is what's most important; I was grateful she'd finally replied to me, I appreciated her apology, and I became hopeful this was heading toward resolution.
Once again, I was wrong.
Months went by, no communication, no checks in the mail. In early November, I texted her again; no response.
In December, after my debacle with "A" went down, I decided I needed to pursue the issue with "W" more aggressively than I had been. On December 28, 2012, I sent her this email:
I also Facebooked, texted, and left a voicemail, saying she needed to respond to the email by January 15. She posts on FB all the time, so there could be no excuse for not seeing my message. There was literally nothing more I could do to get her attention. Just kidding, there was one more thing: I asked a mutual friend from church to ping "W" and ask her to respond to me.
Frankly I didn't actually expect a response, but I went above and beyond in my attempts to reach "W" because, assuming she didn't reply, I intended to file small claims court papers the day after my deadline, and I wanted there to be no doubt that I'd done absolutely everything I could. A darker analogy of which I've grown fond is that you "give the person enough rope to hang themselves with." In my situation with "W", as previously with "A", I feel that I have been far more than reasonable in what I've asked when it comes to them showing some personal responsibility. If I'm missing something, please, call me out on it. (but I don't think I am)
In preparing to file the small claims paperwork, I consulted with one of my lawyers, specifically about MN Statutes 491A.01 and 543.19; I had concerns because "W" had moved out of the state, but my lawyer said that because our business was transacted in Minnesota, and because I as plaintiff still reside here, the local courts would still hear the case.
On the evening of January 13th, two days before the deadline, "W" replied to me, asking how much was still owed (I'd previously spelled this out in the April email, but whatever), followed by something all-too reminiscent of "A"'s antics (previous blog post):
Really? You're going to go incognito for a year, then tell me how it's important to you to "make good" on repaying the loan, then not respond to me for another five months, now give me a sob-story, and finally pretend we're still friends by asking how I'm doing? That just happened? In "W"'s defense, I wouldn't be nearly so sensitive about it, except for the fact that I just went through this game with "A" last month, and I'm in no mood for a repeat.
My reply, in which I bring us back on task:
I think at this point it's important to re-iterate my Jurassic Park reference from my previous blog post: "I don't blame people for their mistakes. But I do ask that they [in this case, quite literally] pay for them." I had the best intentions in offering "H" and "W" a loan, and I can only assume they had the best intentions in taking it; and then life took us in a different, unexpected direction. It is tragic, but that doesn't grant cart blanche to ignore our situation, or absolve responsibility for repaying the loan, and the very least, communicating.
And so once again I find myself praying, "God, I'm sorry I'm not You."
While I waited for "W" to reply, I continued working on the small claims form. I'd filled everything in, except "W"'s address. From Facebook I knew she had moved twice since living in MN, most recently last month, but I didn't know her new address. I couldn't file the court papers (let alone serve them) without that, and it's not like I could ask her for her address now that she knew my intent, so I had to be more creative.
Having honed over many years my skills in the fine art of Facebook-stalking, I found photos of "W"'s new house on her new roommate's FB page, and in one of those photos was the house number prominently displayed on the front of the house. While I could use Google Maps to "drive" up and down the city streets looking for this house, that seemed like a huge time-suck.
I called my Public Safety officer friend from college, and one of her co-workers suggested that if I sent snail mail to "W"'s old address, with the special words "Don't Forward: Correct Address Information Requested" prominently written on the front of the letter, it would come back to me with her current forwarding address on a yellow sticker. Digging through my checking account online, I found a deposit image of one of the checks "W" had sent me a year and a half ago, which had her previous address on it. At the post office I verified the appropriate verbiage to use - they said to write "Address Service Requested" instead - and I dropped the blank letter in the mail.
Because I know the correct house number from "W"'s roommate's FB photo, once the letter came back I'd also know if the postal service gave me "W"'s most current address, or if she hasn't filed a new change of address from her most recent move. This... sort of worked. The envelope did come back a few days later with a yellow sticker, but the address was "H"'s new address. Looks like the postal service didn't bother to check the name on the envelope, just the address itself. Shoot.
Knowing I might not get a positive hit (though I'd assumed I'd at least have gotten her old address in her home state, rather than "H"'s!), my backup plan was to hire a service that could serve "W" the papers at her place of employment - again thanks to Facebook, at least I have that address.
I say "my backup plan was" because "W" finally replied to me at 9 p.m. on January 15th. (This was after I had again emailed, texted, and FB'd her that morning: "Today is the 15th. You need to let me know your plan for repayment by midnight tonight, or I will proceed with filing the forms for conciliation court. Please don't make me do this.") While "W" and I were texting, I called my parents for their counsel. Dad encouraged me that he's always in favor of giving someone another chance. And so, "W" and I negotiated a more-than-reasonable[-for-her] monthly rate. To this I added:
"W" replied:
My reply speaks for itself about my feelings on the matter:
That is the end of the play-by-play narrative, as nothing else has happened since then. Quite honestly I don't think she'll follow through; I desperately hope to be proven wrong.
I don't like what this experience, and the experience with "A" last month, have done to me. I'm scared my heart has grown colder and less compassionate as a result. What makes it worse is that, had "W" simply communicated with me and been a responsible adult, we wouldn't have had an issue (or at least not to this extreme), and I wouldn't have been forced into threatening a lawsuit. This entire affair was completely, 100% avoidable.
I've waffled whether to publish this. On one hand I fear I am dis-respecting my friends' privacy; even though I've done my best to keep them anonymous, I know some readers will know who these folks are. If that's the case, then you also know they're not bad people, it's just a bad situation. On the other hand, I hope my experiences will serve as a vicarious learning opportunity for someone reading it, and that you can avoid the time- and energy-wasting stress that my choices has wrought on me. I hope, by writing this, I might bring some Good to the world. As one of my co-workers put it, "sometimes all you can be is the bad example for someone else to learn from." If not, at least it is a deeply personal and honest journal entry for myself.
So what lesson did I learn? Never, ever loan money to anyone ever again for as long as I live.
Except I know I'll break that rule. Piggy-backing on an example my Mom gave me, if one of my nearest and dearest friends were in crisis and needed help, of course I'd do what I could, and that might mean financially.
I think the deeper lesson for me, is that if I'm going to hold onto my philosophy of "do good where you can," I need also be more discerning in the future about how I go about that. Rather than internalizing another person's problems as my own, I need to learn a healthy separation, and exercise more creative thinking, about how to help. Maybe "helping" still means financially, but maybe not.
My friend Bernadett wrote something beautiful in response to my story about "A", and I'd like to close with that:
First, the backstory:
In 2011, two acquaintances from my small group at church (a husband and wife, whom I will call "H" and "W" for the sake of at least some anonymity), were fighting a court battle to retain custody of their daughter; while the details of the case are public record, they are not relevant to this discussion. Through a combination of grapevines and little birdies, I had heard that "H" and "W" needed a significant amount of cash to pay their lawyer, some of which they'd be able to borrow from their parents, and the other part, they didn't know where they'd be able to scrounge it.
Though I couldn't express myself with big fancy words when I was younger, since childhood I have held to this cockamamy notion that those who are capable of making the world a little less unfair, also carry the moral obligation to do so. This deep-seated belief informs who I am as a person. It goes beyond an Hippocratic oath of "do no harm," and instead says, "do good where you can." I'm no saint, and I'm under no illusions about that: I am not guiltless, I've transgressed my fair share against my fellow humans. But in the case of "H" and "W", I knew I had the capability of helping, and therefore, I felt, how could I not?
I called "W" and offered to loan her and "H" what amounted to my entire savings, so they could pay their lawyer. There is a deeper significance here, that until now, I've only told one other person: by offering "H" and "W" this loan, I sacrificed my own plans of moving to Los Angeles, at least for the time. I had been saving and dreaming and longing to move, and I knew that depleting my savings would erase any possibility of that for a long time. And though it tore at my heart, I chose to do so anyway, because I wanted to do Good.
Disclaimer: like in my previous post, I'm not writing this to garner a pity party. Once again, I neither need nor desire pity. The situation is what it is, we can't change the past, etc. I'm choosing to share that part of the story because the whole point of this blog post is complete, open honesty.
Disclaimer the Second: me not moving to LA at the time, is a good thing. Realistically, I'm still not ready emotionally, so having the option wrested from me (albeit by my own choices) is not something I regret.
Continuing. "W" insisted that she and "H" sign a repayment agreement. I didn't think it necessary at the time; especially because these were acquaintances from church, I never suspected that repayment would ever be an issue. But we agreed to some terms and signed the paperwork. The first two payments showed up on time, even exceeding our agreed-upon amount, and then after that everything went to hell.
Long story short, "H" was found guilty, the couple permanently lost custody of their daughter, and "W" divorced "H" and moved back home, out of state. Sucky situation all around.
At this point, the repayment checks stopped coming, and I didn't complain, because obviously they had more important things to worry about right then.
"H" finished serving his time in the workhouse, and began trying to re-build his life. "W" stopped replying to me altogether. This sets the stage for how I've regarded each of them since then.
It's not my job to judge whether "H" was or was not guilty - that was up to the court. My job was (and is) simply to be his friend. I admired that he completely owned his situation: there was no animosity toward the judge or the justice system, no visible anger toward the prosecution, etc. I mean, I would have been pissed if my life had been ruined like that.
In January 2012, I sent the following email to "H" and "W":
Friends,
What happened in your lives breaks my heart. No one should have to endure what you've both endured, and especially not at our age. You are too young to have this kind of life experience.
I hate dealing with money. In our signed agreement last year, you agreed to keep me updated if you'd be unable to make the monthly repayments. I know finances are tight, but I'd like for you to start keeping me posted each month about how much you might be able to repay that month. The number is much less important than the communication.
Thanks.
"H" replied in under 12 hours, and over the following months continued to keep me in the loop about his job search, applications, interviews, etc. It wasn't going well, but I could tell he was trying. Every so often we'd get together for burgers, and more than once he tried to hand me a $20 bill, saying "this is all I have, but I want you to take it, because I know I owe you a lot more." I'd reject the offer, because I knew he had more important debts to pay than me; $20 one way or the other won't break the bank for me, but I knew for him it might make the difference between eating or skipping a meal. But the most important part, for me, is that he was trying, and he was communicating.
The thought has occurred to me that I've been proven a terrible judge of character more than once; maybe "H" is just giving me a sob story and I'm eating it up. But I don't believe that to be the case. I think he's human and has made mistakes and has to pay for them, but I don't believe he's deliberately trying to take advantage of me. (Dear God, please don't let me be wrong)
In April, still having no reply from "W", I emailed both parties again; once again, "H" wrote back promptly, "W" never did, and so in July, I texted "W" the following:
"W", I haven't heard from you in many months. I hope you are well, but I also need to ask for an update on your repayment plan. I know money's tight, I just need to know what the plan is. Thanks.
This time, she replied!
Hi Jeremy. I'm sorry about my lack of communication. Money is tight, and it's been tight since "H" went to the workhouse. Yes, I did move back to <home city> bc I was being evicted. As far as paying back bills, you are def on my list. being a personal loan, I want to make good on it. I just started training today for a <specific profession> job. Its only part time, but at least I finally got something. I plan to get another job as well. I don't have a plan on the amount I'm sending each month as my income will vary. Can we agree that I start paying you something monthly come August 1? You are one amazing person to have come this far and not shanked me by now. There are many reasons behind me going AWOL, but none are your fault. I'm sorry I've affected you.
I replied, reiterating that the communication is what's most important; I was grateful she'd finally replied to me, I appreciated her apology, and I became hopeful this was heading toward resolution.
Once again, I was wrong.
Months went by, no communication, no checks in the mail. In early November, I texted her again; no response.
In December, after my debacle with "A" went down, I decided I needed to pursue the issue with "W" more aggressively than I had been. On December 28, 2012, I sent her this email:
"W", I have not heard from you since a text message in July 2012; at that time you stated you would resume monthly loan repayments on August 1st, however, it's now 5 months later and I've heard no updates from you. I would like to have the entire debt off the books by May 2013 (two years after our original signed agreement).
Please communicate with me by January 15, what your new plan for repayment is.
I also Facebooked, texted, and left a voicemail, saying she needed to respond to the email by January 15. She posts on FB all the time, so there could be no excuse for not seeing my message. There was literally nothing more I could do to get her attention. Just kidding, there was one more thing: I asked a mutual friend from church to ping "W" and ask her to respond to me.
Frankly I didn't actually expect a response, but I went above and beyond in my attempts to reach "W" because, assuming she didn't reply, I intended to file small claims court papers the day after my deadline, and I wanted there to be no doubt that I'd done absolutely everything I could. A darker analogy of which I've grown fond is that you "give the person enough rope to hang themselves with." In my situation with "W", as previously with "A", I feel that I have been far more than reasonable in what I've asked when it comes to them showing some personal responsibility. If I'm missing something, please, call me out on it. (but I don't think I am)
In preparing to file the small claims paperwork, I consulted with one of my lawyers, specifically about MN Statutes 491A.01 and 543.19; I had concerns because "W" had moved out of the state, but my lawyer said that because our business was transacted in Minnesota, and because I as plaintiff still reside here, the local courts would still hear the case.
On the evening of January 13th, two days before the deadline, "W" replied to me, asking how much was still owed (I'd previously spelled this out in the April email, but whatever), followed by something all-too reminiscent of "A"'s antics (previous blog post):
Okay I see. I gotta figure out how I'm going to make this work. I will get back to you in a couple days. I am looking for employment as the restaurant is really slow til good weather hits. I've had shifts where I didn't have a single table. My <specific profession> job is super part time. I just moved in with a roommate a month ago. How're things with you?
Really? You're going to go incognito for a year, then tell me how it's important to you to "make good" on repaying the loan, then not respond to me for another five months, now give me a sob-story, and finally pretend we're still friends by asking how I'm doing? That just happened? In "W"'s defense, I wouldn't be nearly so sensitive about it, except for the fact that I just went through this game with "A" last month, and I'm in no mood for a repeat.
My reply, in which I bring us back on task:
Busy but otherwise doing well. I wish you well in your job search, however I can't stress enough the need for timely communication going forward. This evening I was literally starting to fill out paperwork for small claims court, because you haven't responded to my messages since July. I'm not trying to be a monster, but the fact is you ... [have] continued to take advantage of me (not only by not repaying the loan, but by failing to communicate any timeline or even intent to repay it). Sorry for the bluntness. I need to know what the plan is.
I think at this point it's important to re-iterate my Jurassic Park reference from my previous blog post: "I don't blame people for their mistakes. But I do ask that they [in this case, quite literally] pay for them." I had the best intentions in offering "H" and "W" a loan, and I can only assume they had the best intentions in taking it; and then life took us in a different, unexpected direction. It is tragic, but that doesn't grant cart blanche to ignore our situation, or absolve responsibility for repaying the loan, and the very least, communicating.
And so once again I find myself praying, "God, I'm sorry I'm not You."
While I waited for "W" to reply, I continued working on the small claims form. I'd filled everything in, except "W"'s address. From Facebook I knew she had moved twice since living in MN, most recently last month, but I didn't know her new address. I couldn't file the court papers (let alone serve them) without that, and it's not like I could ask her for her address now that she knew my intent, so I had to be more creative.
Having honed over many years my skills in the fine art of Facebook-stalking, I found photos of "W"'s new house on her new roommate's FB page, and in one of those photos was the house number prominently displayed on the front of the house. While I could use Google Maps to "drive" up and down the city streets looking for this house, that seemed like a huge time-suck.
I called my Public Safety officer friend from college, and one of her co-workers suggested that if I sent snail mail to "W"'s old address, with the special words "Don't Forward: Correct Address Information Requested" prominently written on the front of the letter, it would come back to me with her current forwarding address on a yellow sticker. Digging through my checking account online, I found a deposit image of one of the checks "W" had sent me a year and a half ago, which had her previous address on it. At the post office I verified the appropriate verbiage to use - they said to write "Address Service Requested" instead - and I dropped the blank letter in the mail.
Because I know the correct house number from "W"'s roommate's FB photo, once the letter came back I'd also know if the postal service gave me "W"'s most current address, or if she hasn't filed a new change of address from her most recent move. This... sort of worked. The envelope did come back a few days later with a yellow sticker, but the address was "H"'s new address. Looks like the postal service didn't bother to check the name on the envelope, just the address itself. Shoot.
Knowing I might not get a positive hit (though I'd assumed I'd at least have gotten her old address in her home state, rather than "H"'s!), my backup plan was to hire a service that could serve "W" the papers at her place of employment - again thanks to Facebook, at least I have that address.
I say "my backup plan was" because "W" finally replied to me at 9 p.m. on January 15th. (This was after I had again emailed, texted, and FB'd her that morning: "Today is the 15th. You need to let me know your plan for repayment by midnight tonight, or I will proceed with filing the forms for conciliation court. Please don't make me do this.") While "W" and I were texting, I called my parents for their counsel. Dad encouraged me that he's always in favor of giving someone another chance. And so, "W" and I negotiated a more-than-reasonable[-for-her] monthly rate. To this I added:
Yes, that [monthly amount] would be acceptable. However, you promised the same back in July / August; you need to follow through this time. I'm not trying to be a monster, I'm really not, but the no-communication / no-payment exercise has dragged on for too long.
"W" replied:
I completely agree with you. 100%. I'm really sorry I disrespected you. While moving to <home state> has been a positive step overall, I've found myself trying to change everything around me to resemble something completely opposite of what my life used to be. That included any attachments I had when "H" and I were together. I know I disconnected, and while I needed to do that to fully finish the divorce, I am so sorry that I cut you off as well. At the time, I didn't want to associate with anyone who had even a remote tie with him, and esp anyone who was friendly with him. I see the error in that now. I will keep consistent communication with you from this point.
My reply speaks for itself about my feelings on the matter:
Please do. I can understand your motivation... but whether or not I'm in contact with "H" is irrelevant to your and my financial situation. Apology accepted, conditionally, the condition being that this time around needs to go down different than July / August. Thanks for your replies, thanks for explaining.
That is the end of the play-by-play narrative, as nothing else has happened since then. Quite honestly I don't think she'll follow through; I desperately hope to be proven wrong.
I don't like what this experience, and the experience with "A" last month, have done to me. I'm scared my heart has grown colder and less compassionate as a result. What makes it worse is that, had "W" simply communicated with me and been a responsible adult, we wouldn't have had an issue (or at least not to this extreme), and I wouldn't have been forced into threatening a lawsuit. This entire affair was completely, 100% avoidable.
I've waffled whether to publish this. On one hand I fear I am dis-respecting my friends' privacy; even though I've done my best to keep them anonymous, I know some readers will know who these folks are. If that's the case, then you also know they're not bad people, it's just a bad situation. On the other hand, I hope my experiences will serve as a vicarious learning opportunity for someone reading it, and that you can avoid the time- and energy-wasting stress that my choices has wrought on me. I hope, by writing this, I might bring some Good to the world. As one of my co-workers put it, "sometimes all you can be is the bad example for someone else to learn from." If not, at least it is a deeply personal and honest journal entry for myself.
So what lesson did I learn? Never, ever loan money to anyone ever again for as long as I live.
Except I know I'll break that rule. Piggy-backing on an example my Mom gave me, if one of my nearest and dearest friends were in crisis and needed help, of course I'd do what I could, and that might mean financially.
I think the deeper lesson for me, is that if I'm going to hold onto my philosophy of "do good where you can," I need also be more discerning in the future about how I go about that. Rather than internalizing another person's problems as my own, I need to learn a healthy separation, and exercise more creative thinking, about how to help. Maybe "helping" still means financially, but maybe not.
My friend Bernadett wrote something beautiful in response to my story about "A", and I'd like to close with that:
"Do unto others as you would have them do to you". This topic has been coming up a lot in my personal life, and in the lives around me. Some people follow this golden rule, some do not. Some people are givers, some takers, most are balanced by being a little of both. When you give freely your love, time, money, advice, etc... you are extending your grace and distributing the gifts you have been given that overflow from within you unto another. This my friends, can make the world go round, and it is wonderful! However, once in a while there are people that come into our lives that manipulate our good nature and take advantage of our generosity- making us feel like fools. But what happens next is the most unfortunate thing of all. As a fool, we begin to harden our hearts, retract our trust, and fold in our hands that we used to hold out so innocently and so purely. Have the "takers" ruined us? Have they made us lose our innocence, our charity, our compassion, our consideration, and have they blocked our blessings against those in the future who might truly need and/or deserve our love, time, money, advice, friendship, etc? Do not allow yourself to be ruined. Do not live your life in regret because you did what your heart called you to do. Be proud that you were capable of giving away such a beautiful gift to someone in need. And be sorry and pray for them that they were not thankful beings. We want to become the best version of ourselves, not the worst. Let's not worry about who will stab us in the back next, let's celebrate and focus on those who have our backs now! "To thine own self be true." That is our legacy. That is how we move forward.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
Some open honesty: Abusive Friendship
No good deed goes unpunished.
Mmm, yes, overly melodramatic, I'll admit, but I recently finished reading Wicked so that seemed like a good opening.
Last year I had a roommate, who throughout this novella I will call "A" to protect his anonymity. The long and short is he took advantage of me financially and emotionally. In retrospect, now I can recognize I was a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship. But the worst part is I didn't realize that until someone else pointed it out to me.
To anyone reading who has suffered extreme emotional, psychological, or physical trauma, my claim of victimhood may sound offensive, and for that I apologize. Let's be honest: I'm really doing okay, and I'm not permanently scarred. My intent here is *not* to garner a pity-party; I do not need nor desire pity. My situation is what it is, we cannot change the past, etc.
Instead, my purpose lies in the hope that my story will help someone else, a wandering Internet traveler, recognize if they are or were in a similarly abusive relationship, and give them the strength to fight that.
My essay is lengthy, firstly because I did not want to take the extra time to write anything shorter, and secondly because including fewer details would deprive us of critical plot points.
A year and a half ago I had a friend, "A," who needed a place to stay - his mom was on her death bed, his search for sustainable work was not going well, and in general he was down on his luck. Years prior, "A" had helped me out tremendously on some large projects (I apologize, because I hate hate hate when people are so vague, but in order to protect "A's" privacy, I need to use that awful generic language), and so I felt I owed him the help, if I could. At the time I had a spare bedroom I was using only for storage, so "A" and I agreed on a rental rate, and he moved in.
Immediately this became a disaster. Not only did "A" spontaneously arrive days earlier than planned (and before I even had the room cleaned out), but once he was in my home, he proceeded to regale me for hours on end about his life's problems. The first night I figured "okay, we haven't seen each other in a while, this is just catch-up, I guess that's fine. It'll just be this one time."
I was wrong.
Night after night, I would arrive home from work, and "A" would commence talking at me for literally one or two hours straight, standing in my office doorway while I was clearly trying to work. And... his problems were always the same: every story he brought up I'd already heard from him the night previous. Then he would ask for advice, and my advice was always the same, because he never heeded it. Over the 10 weeks he occupied my home, this routine rarely changed.
I started working longer and longer hours, just to avoid my house. I scheduled more events out with friends (though this isn't a bad thing), in order to escape.
Now lest you accuse me of being a bad friend, let me clarify a few details:
There were other red flags (coming to mind: not closing the bathroom door or washing his hands until I called him out on it; gross!!!), and so at some point I began asking "A" when he would find his own apartment. This was mostly though not entirely selfish: I knew that getting his own place would be a huge step for "A" toward getting his life back on track (and he concurred). Because I knew he was low on cash, I offered him a loan in order that he could place the deposit on the apartment he'd been eyeing. After a few days' consideration, he accepted my loan offer and I wired him the money. At this time he also signed a repayment agreement specifying a timeline for the loan, as well as rent, depending how many weeks total he ended up staying at my house.
This same week, "A's" car broke down and needed repairs, for which he used my initial loan. Hearing this, I offered him another loan, this one specifically to secure the apartment, and he accepted. Naïvely, I assumed he would be a responsible adult, and go straight to his prospective landlord to lock down the apartment; imagine my surprise days later when I found out he deliberately had dilly-dallied, and as a result, lost the apartment to someone else. This meant "A" would be occupying my house even longer.
I. was. livid.
As I described my roommate situation to friends and family, everyone could hear in my voice (perhaps even see in my physical stature) the toll "A" was having on me, and I found myself falling deeper into an angsty, unrestful, unhealthy emotional state. The hour-long psych sessions continued almost every day, and the stories never changed: "A" kept talking about the same girl he'd had a crush on and stalked (yes, stalked) almost a year prior. This was *while his mom was dying*, and he was talking about a girl. Seriously?
Everyone encouraged me "you just gotta kick him out, he's taking advantage of you." I knew I couldn't deal with it much longer, but instead of kicking "A" out, I kept making excuses for him: his mom had just passed away (while he was living with me), he had an emotionally unhealthy job at his church that was draining him, he just needs a little more help... excuse after excuse after excuse. I assumed I knew him and his situation better than all these other friends of mine, and again, I just wanted to help him get his life back in order.
In late July or early August I again asked "A" when he would be finding a place of his own, using the loans I'd given him. Oddly, even though I felt like a bad guy for eventually saying "we need to set a move-out date," he never saw me as being mean.
We agreed upon August 15 as the day he'd be gone; I even got a little passive-aggressive and asked my parents to send "A" an email, something like, "I understand you're moving out this week..." Well, August 15 came and went, and he was still here, no sign of packing or anything. Exasperated, I explained to "A" that I didn't know what to do - while I didn't want to kick him out on the street and make him homeless, at the same time I had a new roommate moving in in a few weeks, so he needed to be gone soon.
Eventually, finally, "A" moved out, mere days before new roommate Ellen moved in. And btw, new roommate Ellen was freaking awesome.
Ordeal over!
... I wish.
That was late August 2011. "A"'s and my mutually agreed-upon (and signed!) document stated he was to pay the back-rent by December 31, 2011, and repay my loans by March 31, 2012. Now in fairness, he did pay back *most* of the loan, but not all. And none of the rent. It is now (when I started writing this) December 2012. This is when everything comes to a head.
On a Friday in December 2012, at 4:20 a.m. - yes, a.m. - "A" texted me the following:
I... truly had no idea how to reply. I discussed at length with my parents, and also with my friend, mentor, and self-volunteered anger-management counselor John. I prayed. And I was distraught. The next day, I replied with the following email:
Before sending, I ran my email past my parents and John (and revised based on their recommendations), and everyone agreed: it was worth losing the loan money in order finally to be done with the whole debacle and get "A" out of my life.
My plan backfired (sort of - I guess it depends how you look at it): "A" replied saying that my friendship was worth more than the money; he apologized, acknowledged it had been wrong of him to ask what he asked in the text, and promised to pay me back after all. Then a day or two later, I suppose to prove to me how poor he was, "A" texted me a screenshot of his bank account balance: $2 and change. I felt awful for him, I truly, truly did. At the same time, I recognized his further attempt at emotional manipulation.
I recounted this story to a few close friends, one of whom is facing a similar situation with her former roommate. One of my friends wrote me an incredibly encouraging, build-me-up kind of email. Being the emotional wreck I was at the time (knowing in my mind that I was doing the right thing, not being a jerk, etc, yet not truly feeling that in my heart), I greatly appreciated the support. However in replying to her email, I realized I wasn't 100% sure if the debt I'd tried to forgive was for the remaining loans, or for the loans+rent. It's a niggling fear I had had since that dinner conversation with my parents, but until writing this particular reply email, I had not investigated. The distinction is important because it's one thing to forgive a few hundred dollars (again, worth it, just to be done with the whole situation), but if the rent money was also involved, now we were talking about a much higher number.
Unable to shake the fear I'd made a mistake (and yes, "fear" is absolutely the right word here), I spent well over an hour digging through all my emails to and from "A", and then every. single. deposit in every. single. bank account, to figure out exactly what had been repaid and when.
And that's when I realized I dun goofed: for the past year, every time I emailed "A" asking for repayment updates, I had told him the wrong number, and completely forgotten about rent money owed.
Major. Oops. As in, multiply "A"'s outstanding debt by more than three.
I felt awful. Not only had I made a terrible mistake, and repeated that mistake in no fewer than four emails sent to "A," but also this was yet one more case of him taking advantage of me. That rent should have been paid in full over a year ago, and it should never have been my responsibility to hound him about it.
With my parents' help, I crafted an email to "A", documenting what I'd found, and also asking, almost begging, if he had records of paying the rent that could prove me wrong (I so desperately wanted to be wrong). If not, then I formally retracted my previous offer of debt forgiveness: "I was willing to forgive the $<small money> in order to put this ordeal behind us and move on. However, with the new amounts, forgiving $<small money> will no longer accomplish that goal." I asked him to repay the full amount he owes me by August 1, 2013.
Within minutes, "A" replied that he didn't remember ever talking about rent.
... Excuse me?
And thus once again I found myself speechless. As my Mom put it, "He’s going to make this tough on you."
I replied to "A" that what he'd claimed "is completely untrue" and reminded him that I have a signed agreement with his signature with the rent amount clearly spelled out.
That evening, while I was at band rehearsal, "A" left me a voicemail asking if we could talk on the phone, as he had some questions about the numbers. Though I dreaded the phone call, I knew it might be easier to explain the math verbally than through writing. However, for my own protection, I put my phone on speaker, and used my voice recorder to record the call - if "A" insisted on deviating from written communication, I darn well was going to have a record of what was said. As I understand it, Minnesota law did not obligate me to disclose to "A" that the call was being recorded (MN Statutes 626A.02 Subd. 2.d), but I did tell him anyway.
Our phone call lasted roughly three minutes, during which I repeatedly asked "A" if he understood the numbers. He repeatedly confirmed that he did (so, why are we talking, then?). And then, this happened:
I was proud of myself, for standing up for myself. I called my parents right away to discuss the phone call, and during our conversation "A" texted me and asked "Can you please call me back once more. I forgot something."
Now began the real sob story. "A" tried to get another psych session out of me. This phone call lasted almost 10 minutes, during which, I really stood up for myself. When "A" asked me to help him understand, help him think clear so he can fix himself, I replied:
At this point he asks if he agrees never to contact me again, if we could go back to having the debt forgiven; I explain that's no longer an option, because the amount actually owed is more than three times what I thought I was forgiving in the first exchange. I say "I'm sorry. It sucks," but I also explain I'm not asking him to pay me back immediately, noting that he could even wait until July 31 (the day before my August 1 cutoff), and that'd be great! He doesn't need to go out of his way right now to pay back money he doesn't have. I continued:
This phone call was emotionally draining. "A" truly had put me in a lose-lose situation. Even though I realize his problems are not my fault, it's just plain hard when you have to say these kinds of things to another human being. But it needed to be said, because he hasn't changed, he hasn't grown up. Even so, I feel that I became a bad guy.
After 18 months, I finally stood up for myself. And it sucked. But it was what needed to be done.
I went to bed feeling a complex mixture of emotions, mostly negative toward myself, and was drained. I kept praying, "God, I'm sorry I'm not You. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." As someone who professes to want to follow Christ's example, I experienced, and continue to experience, major feelings of failure. The situation's not even my fault, but God, I am so sorry.
I also went to bed that night with a fuller understanding of why people stay in abusive relationships, not wanting to get out. If it was this hard for me, even when I know I'm physically safe from repercussions... The worst part about emotional abuse, is that you can't see the scars left behind.
In the first Jurassic Park, John Hammond has two lines that really sum it all up:
The facts are: I'm a genuinely kind human being who tried to help someone I thought was a friend. He took advantage of me, emotionally and financially. And I didn't understand the distinction between helping, and letting someone take advantage of me, until it was too late.
To anyone else out there who finds yourself in a relationship like this, call me and we can commiserate. As much as it sucks doing it, I encourage you to stand up for yourself. Accept the fact that you are not being the "bad guy" by walking out on that relationship. When the other person puts you in a lose-lose situation that is not your fault.
It is not my fault.
Maybe some day I'll believe that for myself.
Mmm, yes, overly melodramatic, I'll admit, but I recently finished reading Wicked so that seemed like a good opening.
Last year I had a roommate, who throughout this novella I will call "A" to protect his anonymity. The long and short is he took advantage of me financially and emotionally. In retrospect, now I can recognize I was a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship. But the worst part is I didn't realize that until someone else pointed it out to me.
To anyone reading who has suffered extreme emotional, psychological, or physical trauma, my claim of victimhood may sound offensive, and for that I apologize. Let's be honest: I'm really doing okay, and I'm not permanently scarred. My intent here is *not* to garner a pity-party; I do not need nor desire pity. My situation is what it is, we cannot change the past, etc.
Instead, my purpose lies in the hope that my story will help someone else, a wandering Internet traveler, recognize if they are or were in a similarly abusive relationship, and give them the strength to fight that.
My essay is lengthy, firstly because I did not want to take the extra time to write anything shorter, and secondly because including fewer details would deprive us of critical plot points.
A year and a half ago I had a friend, "A," who needed a place to stay - his mom was on her death bed, his search for sustainable work was not going well, and in general he was down on his luck. Years prior, "A" had helped me out tremendously on some large projects (I apologize, because I hate hate hate when people are so vague, but in order to protect "A's" privacy, I need to use that awful generic language), and so I felt I owed him the help, if I could. At the time I had a spare bedroom I was using only for storage, so "A" and I agreed on a rental rate, and he moved in.
Immediately this became a disaster. Not only did "A" spontaneously arrive days earlier than planned (and before I even had the room cleaned out), but once he was in my home, he proceeded to regale me for hours on end about his life's problems. The first night I figured "okay, we haven't seen each other in a while, this is just catch-up, I guess that's fine. It'll just be this one time."
I was wrong.
Night after night, I would arrive home from work, and "A" would commence talking at me for literally one or two hours straight, standing in my office doorway while I was clearly trying to work. And... his problems were always the same: every story he brought up I'd already heard from him the night previous. Then he would ask for advice, and my advice was always the same, because he never heeded it. Over the 10 weeks he occupied my home, this routine rarely changed.
I started working longer and longer hours, just to avoid my house. I scheduled more events out with friends (though this isn't a bad thing), in order to escape.
Now lest you accuse me of being a bad friend, let me clarify a few details:
- "A" and I were never best friends. At best, we had been acquaintances.
- I am not a trained psychologist.
- "A" never (maybe once?) took my advice, even though he asked for it time and again.
- I work from home a lot, and "A" did not respect my time and space when I was "at work" in my home office.
- I do not have 1-2 hours every single night to devote to someone who isn't my significant other or a family member. I do often (and happily) spend an hour or two in a night talking on the phone with some of my closest friends, but then it's a different friend each day, not the same ONE person day in and day out.
There were other red flags (coming to mind: not closing the bathroom door or washing his hands until I called him out on it; gross!!!), and so at some point I began asking "A" when he would find his own apartment. This was mostly though not entirely selfish: I knew that getting his own place would be a huge step for "A" toward getting his life back on track (and he concurred). Because I knew he was low on cash, I offered him a loan in order that he could place the deposit on the apartment he'd been eyeing. After a few days' consideration, he accepted my loan offer and I wired him the money. At this time he also signed a repayment agreement specifying a timeline for the loan, as well as rent, depending how many weeks total he ended up staying at my house.
This same week, "A's" car broke down and needed repairs, for which he used my initial loan. Hearing this, I offered him another loan, this one specifically to secure the apartment, and he accepted. Naïvely, I assumed he would be a responsible adult, and go straight to his prospective landlord to lock down the apartment; imagine my surprise days later when I found out he deliberately had dilly-dallied, and as a result, lost the apartment to someone else. This meant "A" would be occupying my house even longer.
I. was. livid.
As I described my roommate situation to friends and family, everyone could hear in my voice (perhaps even see in my physical stature) the toll "A" was having on me, and I found myself falling deeper into an angsty, unrestful, unhealthy emotional state. The hour-long psych sessions continued almost every day, and the stories never changed: "A" kept talking about the same girl he'd had a crush on and stalked (yes, stalked) almost a year prior. This was *while his mom was dying*, and he was talking about a girl. Seriously?
Everyone encouraged me "you just gotta kick him out, he's taking advantage of you." I knew I couldn't deal with it much longer, but instead of kicking "A" out, I kept making excuses for him: his mom had just passed away (while he was living with me), he had an emotionally unhealthy job at his church that was draining him, he just needs a little more help... excuse after excuse after excuse. I assumed I knew him and his situation better than all these other friends of mine, and again, I just wanted to help him get his life back in order.
In late July or early August I again asked "A" when he would be finding a place of his own, using the loans I'd given him. Oddly, even though I felt like a bad guy for eventually saying "we need to set a move-out date," he never saw me as being mean.
We agreed upon August 15 as the day he'd be gone; I even got a little passive-aggressive and asked my parents to send "A" an email, something like, "I understand you're moving out this week..." Well, August 15 came and went, and he was still here, no sign of packing or anything. Exasperated, I explained to "A" that I didn't know what to do - while I didn't want to kick him out on the street and make him homeless, at the same time I had a new roommate moving in in a few weeks, so he needed to be gone soon.
Eventually, finally, "A" moved out, mere days before new roommate Ellen moved in. And btw, new roommate Ellen was freaking awesome.
Ordeal over!
... I wish.
That was late August 2011. "A"'s and my mutually agreed-upon (and signed!) document stated he was to pay the back-rent by December 31, 2011, and repay my loans by March 31, 2012. Now in fairness, he did pay back *most* of the loan, but not all. And none of the rent. It is now (when I started writing this) December 2012. This is when everything comes to a head.
On a Friday in December 2012, at 4:20 a.m. - yes, a.m. - "A" texted me the following:
"Wanted to ask if you could forgive the remainder of what I owe you? In the spirit of the holiday and also appealing to you from the Word from Christ when he spoke of the man who had his debts forgiven. My wish is to go into the new year clean and truly moving forward. I've stepped out of my daily work at the church, from doing it for 10 years and that is why it's been difficult [to] find substantial work. I appreciate your help and friendship and please know you can always call me for anything. Merry Christmas!"
I... truly had no idea how to reply. I discussed at length with my parents, and also with my friend, mentor, and self-volunteered anger-management counselor John. I prayed. And I was distraught. The next day, I replied with the following email:
"A,"
I have to say, I'm a bit at a loss. You've put me in a lose-lose situation: I can say "your debt is forgiven" and lose $<remaining loan money> (far exceeding any spirit-of-the-holiday gift I'm buying for my friends or family), or I can say "no, you must pay me," and thus be the bad guy. On top of that, you took this a step further and are guilt-tripping me with an appeal to my faith, which you know I [try to] take very seriously. It would be hard for me to turn my back on Luke 7, but even more convicting, Matthew 18.
"A," you took advantage of me while living here: by disrespecting my time and privacy for hours on end, almost every day; by not paying timely rent; by accepting a loan specifically meant to be used as a deposit on an apartment, and then not making the deposit; by accepting an additional loan for the deposit you finally did put down; and you have continued to take advantage of my good will since then by deferring repayments an entire extra year. Against my better judgement, I let all of that slide, because I wanted you to get your life back in order, and I thought if I let you pay back only what you could (which most of the time meant no repayments for months on end), I'd be doing you a favor - I figured after everything you did for me on <previous projects he'd helped with>, that I owed you that. But it's been a year and a half. While I'm glad you're no longer working at the church - remember I wholeheartedly supported you moving on - I am left feeling that you have abused my generosity. And now with your text message, you are taking advantage of my faith, by laying a guilt-trip that I cannot ignore. So, yes, "A": your debt is forgiven, but this "friendship" is over.
I truly hope you will be able to get your life back together soon. Be well, and go in peace.
- Jeremy
Before sending, I ran my email past my parents and John (and revised based on their recommendations), and everyone agreed: it was worth losing the loan money in order finally to be done with the whole debacle and get "A" out of my life.
My plan backfired (sort of - I guess it depends how you look at it): "A" replied saying that my friendship was worth more than the money; he apologized, acknowledged it had been wrong of him to ask what he asked in the text, and promised to pay me back after all. Then a day or two later, I suppose to prove to me how poor he was, "A" texted me a screenshot of his bank account balance: $2 and change. I felt awful for him, I truly, truly did. At the same time, I recognized his further attempt at emotional manipulation.
I recounted this story to a few close friends, one of whom is facing a similar situation with her former roommate. One of my friends wrote me an incredibly encouraging, build-me-up kind of email. Being the emotional wreck I was at the time (knowing in my mind that I was doing the right thing, not being a jerk, etc, yet not truly feeling that in my heart), I greatly appreciated the support. However in replying to her email, I realized I wasn't 100% sure if the debt I'd tried to forgive was for the remaining loans, or for the loans+rent. It's a niggling fear I had had since that dinner conversation with my parents, but until writing this particular reply email, I had not investigated. The distinction is important because it's one thing to forgive a few hundred dollars (again, worth it, just to be done with the whole situation), but if the rent money was also involved, now we were talking about a much higher number.
Unable to shake the fear I'd made a mistake (and yes, "fear" is absolutely the right word here), I spent well over an hour digging through all my emails to and from "A", and then every. single. deposit in every. single. bank account, to figure out exactly what had been repaid and when.
And that's when I realized I dun goofed: for the past year, every time I emailed "A" asking for repayment updates, I had told him the wrong number, and completely forgotten about rent money owed.
Major. Oops. As in, multiply "A"'s outstanding debt by more than three.
I felt awful. Not only had I made a terrible mistake, and repeated that mistake in no fewer than four emails sent to "A," but also this was yet one more case of him taking advantage of me. That rent should have been paid in full over a year ago, and it should never have been my responsibility to hound him about it.
With my parents' help, I crafted an email to "A", documenting what I'd found, and also asking, almost begging, if he had records of paying the rent that could prove me wrong (I so desperately wanted to be wrong). If not, then I formally retracted my previous offer of debt forgiveness: "I was willing to forgive the $<small money> in order to put this ordeal behind us and move on. However, with the new amounts, forgiving $<small money> will no longer accomplish that goal." I asked him to repay the full amount he owes me by August 1, 2013.
Within minutes, "A" replied that he didn't remember ever talking about rent.
... Excuse me?
And thus once again I found myself speechless. As my Mom put it, "He’s going to make this tough on you."
I replied to "A" that what he'd claimed "is completely untrue" and reminded him that I have a signed agreement with his signature with the rent amount clearly spelled out.
That evening, while I was at band rehearsal, "A" left me a voicemail asking if we could talk on the phone, as he had some questions about the numbers. Though I dreaded the phone call, I knew it might be easier to explain the math verbally than through writing. However, for my own protection, I put my phone on speaker, and used my voice recorder to record the call - if "A" insisted on deviating from written communication, I darn well was going to have a record of what was said. As I understand it, Minnesota law did not obligate me to disclose to "A" that the call was being recorded (MN Statutes 626A.02 Subd. 2.d), but I did tell him anyway.
Our phone call lasted roughly three minutes, during which I repeatedly asked "A" if he understood the numbers. He repeatedly confirmed that he did (so, why are we talking, then?). And then, this happened:
A: Where's our friendship stand?
J: Um. I- I don't really know how to even answer that, "A". ...you've made it pretty clear where you stand with the friendship, and that is that you don't respect me, and that you are going to continue to take advantage of me, so, I think that you've made it pretty clear where the friendship is, and I guess I don't have anything to add to that. So. Sorry. ....
I was proud of myself, for standing up for myself. I called my parents right away to discuss the phone call, and during our conversation "A" texted me and asked "Can you please call me back once more. I forgot something."
Now began the real sob story. "A" tried to get another psych session out of me. This phone call lasted almost 10 minutes, during which, I really stood up for myself. When "A" asked me to help him understand, help him think clear so he can fix himself, I replied:
Well, "A" my honest opinion ... is the same as a year and a half ago: you need professional help; ... I did my best to listen to your issues when you were here as my roommate, but you continually did not take my advice, and continued to pour out the same problems day after day without changing, and from the sounds of it you haven't gotten better ... there's not really anything I can do for you, because everything I can do I've already tried. I thought that I was doing you a favor by giving you the loans and by helping you get your own place, ... but it's been a year and a half to pay back, frankly, not that much money... I'm sorry if that sounds cold and harsh, I really am; I feel for you and my heart does break for you, because you're not in a good place. But you need professional help and I cannot be that person.
....
My recommendation for you, which I know you won't take because you never do .... go work at Starbucks, go work at McDonald's. Starbucks is nice because after a few months they have benefits, they have health insurance, and they pay more than minimum wage. So, go find a job like that, get out of the church, do whatever you need to do to make yourself healthy again.
(he protests, and starts tangenting)
"A" I'm not going to let this conversation get drawn out into another 2-hour sob fest. Sorry. Calling it like it is. I put up with that enough when you were living here, and I cannot allow myself to get back into that position again. [I reiterate my previous points] I can't help you anymore. I'm sorry. I wish you well. I hope that things work out. I will be praying for you, for whatever small bit that is worth. But there's nothing else that I can do for you.
At this point he asks if he agrees never to contact me again, if we could go back to having the debt forgiven; I explain that's no longer an option, because the amount actually owed is more than three times what I thought I was forgiving in the first exchange. I say "I'm sorry. It sucks," but I also explain I'm not asking him to pay me back immediately, noting that he could even wait until July 31 (the day before my August 1 cutoff), and that'd be great! He doesn't need to go out of his way right now to pay back money he doesn't have. I continued:
I'm not trying to be a monster. I am asking you to be an adult.... I think that 7 months [between now and August 1]... is a reasonable amount of time to be able to get a full time job, and get a little bit back in savings, and to be able to repay that amount of money.... At that point it will have been 24 months, and I think that is far more reasonable than what most people would do in this situation.
....
I'm sorry for the tough love. I really am. I want to see you get better. But you're not going to get better if I continue to let you take advantage of me. And you're also not going to get better unless you seek out professional help. That's my opinion.
This phone call was emotionally draining. "A" truly had put me in a lose-lose situation. Even though I realize his problems are not my fault, it's just plain hard when you have to say these kinds of things to another human being. But it needed to be said, because he hasn't changed, he hasn't grown up. Even so, I feel that I became a bad guy.
After 18 months, I finally stood up for myself. And it sucked. But it was what needed to be done.
I went to bed feeling a complex mixture of emotions, mostly negative toward myself, and was drained. I kept praying, "God, I'm sorry I'm not You. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." As someone who professes to want to follow Christ's example, I experienced, and continue to experience, major feelings of failure. The situation's not even my fault, but God, I am so sorry.
I also went to bed that night with a fuller understanding of why people stay in abusive relationships, not wanting to get out. If it was this hard for me, even when I know I'm physically safe from repercussions... The worst part about emotional abuse, is that you can't see the scars left behind.
In the first Jurassic Park, John Hammond has two lines that really sum it all up:
I'm sorry about your financial problems, Dennis, I really am, but they are your problems.... I don't blame people for their mistakes. But I do ask that they pay for them.
The facts are: I'm a genuinely kind human being who tried to help someone I thought was a friend. He took advantage of me, emotionally and financially. And I didn't understand the distinction between helping, and letting someone take advantage of me, until it was too late.
To anyone else out there who finds yourself in a relationship like this, call me and we can commiserate. As much as it sucks doing it, I encourage you to stand up for yourself. Accept the fact that you are not being the "bad guy" by walking out on that relationship. When the other person puts you in a lose-lose situation that is not your fault.
It is not my fault.
Maybe some day I'll believe that for myself.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Waking up was such a disappointment
Dreams are so weird.
Last night I went to Taylor Swift's concert with my friend Peter and his girlfriend. An understatement might be to say it was an "odd" concert; I don't remember all the details but basically it started out like Disney on Ice, and somehow I was skating around on the ice with all the camera crew. Then I was sort of getting in the way of the performers, so I got off the ice and went back upstairs and sat with Peter and Stephanie in our car... which shortly afterward became plain old folding chairs. We had awesome seats, like, practically front row to the elevated stage (above the ice?), and that meant that during one of her songs, Taylor and I made eye contact.
A couple songs later, our eyes connected again, and she gestured for me to join her on the stage! I questioned, "me?" and she beckoned again. On the stage there appeared evergreen bushes (bushes with tiny evergreen trees growing on their limbs) frosted with snow - she picked one and handed it to me, I played along with the act and picked one to gift her in return. I held her coat (snow means it was cold... and maybe there was still an ice rink below?), joked around, and then we ran off backstage, because she had to do a costume change while her band kept playing. She ran down a staircase and said "stay right there I'll be right back" while I waited in the hallway.
When she came back she was in a hurry (obviously, because she had to get back to the screaming fans), I followed her back to the stage, and on the way she asked if I preferred to do dinner or dancing; I realized the flirting earlier when we'd been picking tiny evergreens had been authentic, not just part of the act, but then before we could finalize our plans I got stuck holding the stage door open for a tour group of senior citizens, while Taylor went back onto the stage. By the time I found my seat, Taylor was sitting across the auditorium from me, and an African American pastor was stepping onto stage to give his sermon. Taylor signed at me: "6:30?", I nodded. "Do you have my number?" "No," I replied, so she stood up and wrote her phone number on a chalkboard so I could type it into my phone.
Then I freaking woke up. Before our dinner. Noooooo!!!!!
While it lasted, quite possibly best dream ever.
Last night I went to Taylor Swift's concert with my friend Peter and his girlfriend. An understatement might be to say it was an "odd" concert; I don't remember all the details but basically it started out like Disney on Ice, and somehow I was skating around on the ice with all the camera crew. Then I was sort of getting in the way of the performers, so I got off the ice and went back upstairs and sat with Peter and Stephanie in our car... which shortly afterward became plain old folding chairs. We had awesome seats, like, practically front row to the elevated stage (above the ice?), and that meant that during one of her songs, Taylor and I made eye contact.
A couple songs later, our eyes connected again, and she gestured for me to join her on the stage! I questioned, "me?" and she beckoned again. On the stage there appeared evergreen bushes (bushes with tiny evergreen trees growing on their limbs) frosted with snow - she picked one and handed it to me, I played along with the act and picked one to gift her in return. I held her coat (snow means it was cold... and maybe there was still an ice rink below?), joked around, and then we ran off backstage, because she had to do a costume change while her band kept playing. She ran down a staircase and said "stay right there I'll be right back" while I waited in the hallway.
When she came back she was in a hurry (obviously, because she had to get back to the screaming fans), I followed her back to the stage, and on the way she asked if I preferred to do dinner or dancing; I realized the flirting earlier when we'd been picking tiny evergreens had been authentic, not just part of the act, but then before we could finalize our plans I got stuck holding the stage door open for a tour group of senior citizens, while Taylor went back onto the stage. By the time I found my seat, Taylor was sitting across the auditorium from me, and an African American pastor was stepping onto stage to give his sermon. Taylor signed at me: "6:30?", I nodded. "Do you have my number?" "No," I replied, so she stood up and wrote her phone number on a chalkboard so I could type it into my phone.
Then I freaking woke up. Before our dinner. Noooooo!!!!!
While it lasted, quite possibly best dream ever.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
"Punch 1 on the old speed dial"
I'm working my way through the complete series of Stargate SG-1. In the episode I'm currently watching, Colonel O'Neill, in describing the current crisis to General Hammond, suggests the General might want to "punch 1 on the old speed dial" (his assumption being that speed dial #1 goes straight to the President). General Hammond's response is priceless: "My grandchildren?"
This is priceless for two reasons: first off, it's comedic relief. More importantly in my mind, though, what a wonderful role model this man is, that, even though he's a high-ranking, decorated, career military officer, his family comes first. This isn't the first time we've seen General Hammond put his family above his career, either. And it just warms my heart.
Back to Stargate now.
This is priceless for two reasons: first off, it's comedic relief. More importantly in my mind, though, what a wonderful role model this man is, that, even though he's a high-ranking, decorated, career military officer, his family comes first. This isn't the first time we've seen General Hammond put his family above his career, either. And it just warms my heart.
Back to Stargate now.
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